Posts filed under ‘Everyday Life’

Moving Again & Anxiety

There are a lot of things in my life right now that are up in the air, and it is making me sick with anxiety.  I am a naturally anxious person, so I try to keep the drama, hectic-ness, and worrying in my life to a minimum.  Easier said that done most times.  As of right now my life is facing a crossroads of sorts where things can really go a couple different ways, and all of them are as different from each other as can possibly be.  Im nervous and scared that I will make the wrong choice (again).  Worrying that things wont end up working out the way I want them to, once I make a choice (again).

I am a divorced single mother of a soon to be 6 year old.  I almost dont even know how that happened.  How did things get so off track that I ended up here?  I sometimes think about it and laugh, because surely this must be a dream that I will wake up from and get a chance to go back to that turning point in my life and make the other choice with my new found wisdom and maturity.  But that only happens in Nicolas Cage movies, right?

My ex will be back in the States and living in Virginia for a couple of years.  First for school in Dahlgren, then down to VA Beach for a couple years.  I have a job that allows me to telecommute, so living anywhere is a possibility.  The idea of moving down to Virginia has been something I’ve been stewing over for months now.  Going back and forth and debating with myself if this would be a good move.  Should I just jump in head first and see what happens?  Start fresh in a new city and make new friends.  Live in and explore other parts of the country that I have only had a chance to visit temporarily?  That sounds nice.  But moving away from my (limited) support system will be difficult.  Even though my family is here, there are only a couple of people that are present in my life in a real way.  But they do help me the best they can, and provide that love and support I need to push through.  But if we are close enough to the little one’s father, then he will be able to help out and share the parenting responsibilities.  I wouldnt be constantly looking for a sitter, and relying on people to help me out if he is closer.

But along with that move would come loneliness.  Even more so than what I have now.  I would essentially be in a new city all alone, with my ex being the only other person I know.  While we are friendly now, I am genuinely worried about what our relationship dynamic will be when we are living in the same city again.  It is one of the biggest things going on right now that is causing me anxiety.  The move has the potential to bring us closer, and possibly address and realize those lingering feelings for each other are still alive.  Or living closer to each other when one of us moves on has the ability to crumble that friendly nature we have with each other, and have us living as true exes.  That dont like each other.  And I hate that thought.  Though to be fair, if we stayed put in MI, and he was in Virginia either of those outcomes are still a very real possibility.

It may seem like moving isnt the right choice.  But along with it being good for Miss A and her dad, it also has the potential to be really great for me career wise.  We are planning and strategizing at work for the next year and making changes to how we will be handling the client I am currently working on.  We need someone in NoVA and near Delaware (well closer than Michigan), and me moving seems to fit the bill.  My boss did say a couple weeks ago, that he would be thrilled if I moved there.  Just waiting for the plans to be put in place, and really hoping that it somehow doesnt end up changing on me.

Trying to remain focused on taking care of myself and my daughter right now, and not constantly thinking about and worrying about what will happen in the future.  Whatever will happen wont be picture perfect I am sure.  And if I only have control over a small part of it, then I need to do what I can to accept that.  My emotions tend to run away with me, and I am really working my hardest to reign them in, and trying to remember to just breathe.

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October 17, 2013 at 6:44 am Leave a comment

Summer Life Is Here

Looks like we are going to have a super busy summer ahead of us.  It started with a friend getting married last weekend and will continue with something going on pretty much every week until Labor Day.  We have a camping trip planned in two weeks.  Yay!  I am excited, even though its not “real” camping, and we will be with a group of people, the campsite has water and electricity, and the place has a pool, store, etc.   Oh well.  We will be in a tent on a mini vacation for a few days.

D’s leave was changed due to an unexpected underway.  He was supposed to be here next week for most of the rest of June, but that wont happen.  As of right now we are targeting early July. Oh please Navy Gods, let this happen!  My girl is missing her daddy so bad.  All she does is talk about him. Draw pictures of him. Ask if he will be able to go places with us, and join us for all the things we have planned this summer.  It breaks my heart, but Im also happy that she still has him front and center in her life, even though he has been gone for so much of it.  Also, really hoping that his orders come through as he has been told.  Which will give us a nice chunk of him actually living in the States.  Keeping my fingers tightly crossed for that one.

And Im trying to run one 5k each month from now until November.  And in October I will be participating in the marathon here in Detroit as a member of a relay team.  4.5 miles… yeah going to need to work on that…. But I have plenty of time to get going on it.

June 6, 2013 at 7:47 am Leave a comment

I’ve started a couple of blog posts recently, but then I realize how personal I will get and I just stop myself in my tracks.  the things that have been on the forefront of my mind lately are deep and sort of overwhelming and I feel like maybe I should get a journal for that kind of stuff.  But despite what therapists say, Im one of those people that I feel like I actually get my feelings out better through typing, rather than hand writing.

Ive been feeling so out of sorts lately.  Not like myself at all.  Not quite depressed, but more like disjointed and distant from my own feelings and myself.  As a rational person, I think this is a defense mechanism that Ive put in place to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection.  But even realizing that doesnt help me to overcome it.  I feel empty. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  Compared to a lot of people, my life isnt that bad.

So, what is my deal?  A lot of things really.  Work has become extremely stressful.  Im working about 10-12 hours a day.   Constantly dealing with some crisis or other.  Processing 500-800 emails a day.  Working my ass off and never able to catch up.  Im like hamster on that freaking wheel just running as fast as I can and getting nowhere.  Its exhausting.

My daughter has been having behavioral issues all year in school. She shows many markers for ADHD (which her father has), and she is quite defiant.  And she is overly emotional.  She misses her father and doesnt know how to deal with her feelings.  She is 5 after all. We may have gotten some good news that D may get stationed back in the US for a while at the end of this year.  Its not set in stone yet, but after this hellish time that we have had the past two years, having him 10 hours away seems like a cake walk. (Im sure it wont be, but you know…. the grass is always greener….)

Adding to that is the fact that there are still some unresolved feelings that have been lingering for almost two years now. Its tough to deal with sometimes. But Im trying my best. And doing what I can to make life great for my daughter.  The love that I have for her is truly what matters most.

May 6, 2013 at 7:33 am Leave a comment

An Aside

Sometime last year, I decided to quit blogging.  I think I felt like since I didnt have many nice things to say, I shouldnt say them at all.  I mean, who wants to read the words of someone that just complains all the time.  I know that I really dont.  But at the same time, Im not really writing for anyone else.  I should be writing for me.  I was going through a really rough time last year with the divorce and everything, and another outlet would have been beneficial.  I still feel like I havent quite bounced back yet, so that is why Im back.  I need somewhere to write things out and get them off my chest.  I need to be able to say, man this has been a shitty week, but things will get better.

Things really are better than they were a year ago.  Im settled into a house, have a backyard and will be starting a garden once everything thaws out soon.  Ive been running and Im almost back down to my “fighting weight”.  My friends have been there for me through everything, and Im cherishing that.

Still though, through the crumbling of my marriage and the split that ensued, it has been a pretty lonely couple of years.  Im ready to put myself back out there, but damn, dating really sucks.  Im really not cut out for it.  I dont handle rejection well and I hate the anxiety that it brings.  A couple months ago, I ran into someone I went to high school with and we were dating for a little while.  I really liked him, but things didnt work out.  This was the first time Ive actually dated someone since my divorce was final, and its just hard to deal with the pain of someone not really liking you that much.  It happens, I get that, but what I didnt really expect was the flood of emotions that followed.  The disappointment of it, and all my past failed relationships, hit me like a sack of bricks.  Wowza, I really wasnt expecting that.  Im dealing and moving on.  Its okay that someone doesnt like me.  Not everyone will.  I need to learn to let go of those ideas of what could possibly happen down the road with someone, and the plans that we could make and live more in the now.  That let down, of thinking you  may have someone to do all these things with and then not having it work out, is the toughest.   That was the hardest thing to get over about my marriage as well.

Truth be told, Im doing alright.  My daughter is happy and healthy.  My ex and I have a pretty good working relationship, and we get along fairly well.  I have people in my life that are there for me. And I have a job, car and roof over my head.  Seeing the good isnt always easy.  But Im working on that every day.

March 11, 2013 at 6:41 am 1 comment

Ahh Life

I dont want to do that thing where I apologize for not blogging in a while, because Ive been busy.  Life got in the way of blogging again.  😉

Well what’s happened?  I’ve been slowly climbing out of this funk I’ve been in since I moved back to Michigan.  I had to tell myself that this is where I am, and I need to make the best of it while I am here.  Ideally, I would like to be back in Southern California to live out my days.  But when and how I can get back there is still up in the air.  The Little Miss and I just got back from a trip out to San Diego for a week.  My friends were just as anxious to get us back out there, and they were scheming up a storm to figure out how we can do it quickly.  All in all it was a wonderfully relaxing trip with gorgeous weather, good friends, and a good time had by all.  I would like to go back this summer, but it might not be financially feasible, considering Im saving up all my pennies to move back.  But we shall see.

In other news, D found out that his ship is going on a super secret deployment for an extended period of time.  Its not really all that secret, but you know…. OPSEC.  They are already talking about communication being pretty poor, so that’s lovely.  I hope its better than they are predicting, but its the Navy so I dont have my hopes too high.  I would like to be able to send pictures and updates to him about our daughter at the very least, since they wont be able to see each other until, oh, sometime next year.  GAH.

And Spring is deciding to show up here in Michigan a little early, which I am seriously not complaining about.  It was a mild winter by all standards, and I still hated it.  I was miserable.  And cold.  I hate to be cold.  The sun is shining a lot more, so I get a dose of vitamin D when I go for a jog in the afternoons. I can feel my mood is definitely perking up.

I’ve also started drinking green smoothies every day.  Its only been about a week and a half, but I can definitely feel the difference.  I am getting more fruits and veggies into my daily diet and of course that means vitamins.  Im not craving crap foods like I was before.  Im not feeling as hungry throughout the day either.  Also, I am not craving breads, pastas and heavy carbs like I used to.  But most importantly, my blood sugar seems to be more stable during the day, and Im not crashing in between meals.  Which is a huge plus!

So what am I putting into my smoothie?

  • 1 cup spinach
  • 1 cup (wild) blueberries
  • 1 medium banana
  • juice from half of an orange (freshly squeezed)
  • 3/4 cup water
  • Optional – Handful of almonds (grind up in a coffee grinder first, or you get a grainy texture in your smoothie).  Sometimes I just eat the almonds on the side.

Blend in a high powered blender for about 1 minute.  It may not look all that great, but its tasty.  I promise, you cant even taste the spinach!  I am going to buy some kale this weekend and try that out.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

Take care everyone!

March 15, 2012 at 6:31 am Leave a comment

2011 was a spectacularly shitty year for me.  Ive kept a lot of things private in the interest of not sounding like a complete and total whiner, but also because it was very personal.  It hard to decide how much to share, when you really just feel like you need to get it out, but its not something you actually want to say.

I can’t promise that things will be magically better just because its a new year.  I can’t hope that all my life’s problems will go away.  I can’t say that things will be easier this year.  Because lets be honest, Im still going through so much in my life.  Some days its a struggle to get out of bed and go through the motions.  Some days its not too bad.  But I am really trying not to dwell on the past, and to move forward with my life.  Im really trying to have a better outlook for this year.

As a classic underachiever, I dont want to make new year’s resolutions.  Its just too much pressure on myself, and I never follow through.  But now that its just me and the my Baby Girl, there are some things I’d like to improve upon.

  • Spend more time bonding with Baby Girl that doesn’t involve the tv.
  • Find free things to do in our community.
  • Take the time to appreciate the things that we do have, rather than what we dont.
  • Focus on the love in my life and try to let go of the bitterness and anger towards others.
  • Play more games.
  • Read more books.  Both to my daughter & for myself.
  • Eat for health not for weight.

Now, Im not a perfect person so I may fail at any of these on any given day.  But every day is a fresh start.  And because of that, I am hopeful for 2012.

January 3, 2012 at 2:48 pm 1 comment

Ouch

I went for a jog this morning.  Nothing crazy just a quick turn around my apartment complex.  I had to squeeze a run in early since I will be covering for someone at lunch today.  I planned to do my first full workout in my complex gym, but with time cut short I figure a jog would work.  What I didn’t think about… was that it is 40 degrees outside.  I had a jacket on, but still… ouch.  My lungs are killing me.  That cold air is killer.  I already have sport induced asthma, so this didn’t help me one bit.  I struggled but pushed myself to finish.  Regardless of my weight issues, I know that I am unhealthy and I need to get my body moving.  Sitting in an office chair all day and then on the couch all night is not doing me any good.  Add to that, my stead diet of burgers, french fries and pizza for the past few months and I am just run down.  I dont need to be teensy tiny again.  Honestly that is not my desire.  What i need is to have a bit more energy and maybe lose a couple pounds, so I can button my favorite jeans again.  You might not know this, but eating too much junk and fast food will make you gain weight. 😉

Really though, my poor diet combined with my stress eating tenancies have caused me to gain a some pounds and the vast majority of my wardrobe is on the tight to super tight side.  I just want to fit in my clothes again.  And to feel good.  Have more energy.  Sleep better.  Not be so cranky all the time.

Alas, these are things I have said before.  And its probably going to still be a struggle to push myself out the door each day.  But today?  Today I am proud of myself.  I put on my sneakers and was active for a bit instead of saying “oh Ill do it tomorrow”, like I usually do.

November 15, 2011 at 7:45 am 3 comments

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