Posts filed under ‘Frustration’

Hmmm….

Things have been so up in the air in my life lately.  Ive been pushed and pulled into a million different directions.  Ive made decisions and immediately changed my mind.  Ive been trying to stay afloat.  As someone that is rather OCD, and anxiety ridden living this way can take its toll on you.  Its really been a test of my patience to see how long I can manage to go with the flow of things.  And you know what?  Ive been doing a pretty damn good job.

Then something happens that just stops you in your tracks.  Something like your ex husband telling you that he misses you, and hopes you will be willing to bring your child to visit him in Japan this summer….  Yeah.  That was a freaking doozy.

So truth be told I still care about my ex.  Always have.  Always will.  But damn, we sure made a mess of things our first go around with our relationship.  And in order to deal with our split I took all those feelings and put them in a box where they have stayed for a good year and a half now.  Hearing that from him has definitely upped my anxiety.

That doesnt mean we will get back together or anything.  But… it sure has made both of stop and think.  What if the biggest issue with our relationship was that we both were just too young and immature when we met each other?   I have no idea if thats really the case, but it sure does make me wonder what my future holds.  And how long I am going to still be on this rollercoaster.

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April 3, 2013 at 7:39 am Leave a comment

Daycare Post

In a complete change of pace I need to talk about the little one’s daycare.  Since we’ve trekked across the country, I had to enroll her in a new daycare.  Its the same chain as the one she was at in San Diego.  Im sure you  know the one, very popular and they are everywhere… think lots of red.  Anyways, her daycare in San Diego was just….. wonderful.  Honestly.  It had this bright warm feeling.  There was a low teacher turnover ratio.  And the staff was very friendly.  It was exactly what I wanted in a daycare.  I felt like the teachers were really on top of their game there.  The kids were young, but they managed to keep them in control most all of the time.

Now, we are here and I put her in the same chain knowing that their curriculum is the same.  I was hoping that it would make for a smooth transition.  And the curriculum is good and I am glad that my daughter is learning during the day.  However, It kind of annoys me that I never bring home artwork though.  We have been there for over a month and the only thing she has been sent home with is scrap paper that she’s scribbled on.  I brought home artwork nearly every day at the last center.

I guess I just dont get that warm fuzzy feeling here.  I dont love this center.  Maybe my expectations are too high?  I think any center would have a hard time living down her last one.  But on a few occasions I have come to pick up the Lil Miss and have heard kids saying some very not cool things.  Three times this week another kid has greeted my daughter in the morning with some variation of her name in conjunction with a potty word.  Okay, not huge deals.  But they just rub me the wrong way.  And my kid is four, I didn’t think I would have to deal with this stuff yet.  When Kid J says: Hi A****-poopy-head (or some other vulgar variation) there of every day when we walk in, its not cool.  Today the teacher actually said something to him about it, but its probably because I stopped and looked at him like – are you kidding me?  Again.

It probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but then my girl says to me “mommy it makes me sad when he says that”.  Yeah, thats my heart hurting now.  I am frustrated.

Four year olds shouldn’t be talking to each other like that. They shouldn’t be talking about being boyfriend and girlfriend and loving each other (which another boy in her class says to her A LOT).  Why dont these teachers have a better grip on these kids?  I really do have to wonder if my expectations are too high?  Is this the norm and I am just now witnessing it?  Am I being a crazy over protective momma bear?

November 4, 2011 at 5:59 am 1 comment

You May Be Right….

I may be crazy….. but it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Okay enough with the Billy Joel, Im going to get deep friggin down and personal right now.   The only way to really do it, is to just rip the band-aid off and do it.  So here goes…..

I am Kim… and I have a problem.  I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, and I am a recovering anorexic.  This is not a joke, and I am not kidding.

I find myself slipping a little back into my old ways.  Im looking at myself in the mirror and wondering why the hell would anyone want to be with me.  I see my body and I see such sheer imperfection that I wonder how I will ever meet anyone again?  How I will ever have sex again?

Okay, now that you think Im nuts Im just going to say… I recognize that.  And I 100% agree with you.  Logically I know that I am average and that is not anything to be upset about.  But there is a part of my brain that takes over every time I look in the mirror and all it can do is tell me how much of a failure I am.  How DARE you put creamer in your coffee!  You ate a muffin… do you know how much fat is in that?!  Pizza… really for the 2nd time this week, fatty?!

That is me… talking to myself.  Its like Im a goddam Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.

I have struggled with this for 12 years now and honestly most of the people in my life dont even know it.  My husband is one of the rare people I have shared this with. (Unfortunately, he chose to use it as ammunition in arguments, which has only fueled the fire.)  My sister is another person that knows.  Other than that, it has been this huge secret / weight on me that I have hid for over a decade.

I can admit that when I was about 20 years old I weighed 104 pounds (at 5’5″) and I thought I was fat!  I was turned away from giving blood to the Red Cross because I didn’t meet their weight requirements.  I lied the next time I went and almost couldn’t drive myself home because I was too weak to really function.  Maybe, thats when you realize you have a problem…

… Or maybe its over 10 years later and you’ve struggled with losing the baby weight.  Or maybe its when your marriage fails.  Or maybe its at that point that you realize that someday soon, you may be back on the singles market.  Let the panic ensue.  In my own goddam head.

What I am really saying… is that its a struggle everyday.  Once again.  I find myself at the end of the night crying in the bathroom over what I ate that day.  And I swore I would never be that person again.  Goddam it, I am 27 years old.  I dont need to go through this again.  I went through this at 15.  I went through it at 20.  I thought I was better than this.

The only reason I am even writing this right now, is because I can’t sleep and all I can think about are calories.  Maybe Im hoping tomorrow when I wake up and re-read this, that it will knock some sense into me.

What a shame is it that I can tell myself I am beautiful all I want, but I will never really believe it?

It’s been quite a ride the past few years, and I need to learn to love myself again.

November 3, 2011 at 8:58 pm 5 comments

Im Not Hiding

Today I put my blog on private, because I didnt want someone to read it anymore.  There has been a lot of drama going on in my life recently and I would really like to shred some of that.  And in doing so, it means shredding people out of my life that no longer fit into it.  But I did realize that it doesnt mean that I have to hide.  Im not going to close myself off to the rest of the world, and the great blogging friends that I have made because of this.  Im going to try very hard to keep my head high, and hold it together until this storm passes.  And after that, I will be a better person for it.

So sorry folks, if I worried any of you.  Im doing fine, relatively speaking, and will continue to blog.  Also, sorry if this post doesnt make any sense at all… because I dont really make a lot of sense right now.

I love ya’ll, my blogging friends.  Thank you always for your virtual support.

February 22, 2011 at 3:27 pm 6 comments

Happy New Year and all that jazz…

Well I made it to 2011.  I’d say its quite a feat after the 2010 that I had.  Some days I was worried about dropping into a stress induced coma, or getting sent to an insitiution for attacking someone in a fit of rage / mental breakdown, or packing up my shit to go live in a tent on the beach.  But thankfully, none of it happened.  However, my job morphed into a different position, and something I hate.  Im still on the waitlist for about 5 classes and registered for none.  And my wallet is usually more empty than full.  But Im alive.  And healthy.  And my family is in one piece.  So I definitely have things to be thankful for.  And right this minute, I am doing alright.

Baby Girl decided one day that she was potty trained and ever since that second, she has not worn one pull-up or diaper.  It was Thanksgiving morning to be exact.  She came out and said – Mommy, Daddy, I have to go potty.  Then she went.  And continued to use the toilet all day.  And the next day.  And a  month later, no setbacks.  She is fully potty trained.  She is dry all night too.  To me, that just proves she was being a stubborn shit for most of last year 😉  She used the potty here and there, but she didnt want to give up her pull-ups.  But one day, she had enough being stubborn and was done with it.   Ahh, like mother like daughter I guess.

And with the New Year, most people are busy making resolutions and saying – this will be the best year ever.  But I cant do that this year.  Because my husband will be deploying a matter of weeks and will be gone most of the year.  Not that I am reliant upon my husband to be happy… but without him it will be another lonely year.  Another year being a single parent.  And another year where many challenges lie ahead.

But I do resolve to try and make the most of it.  Im still hoping I can register for some classes (fingers crossed!!!), maybe start doing yoga, get baby girl in some sort of class herself too.  I vow to get outdoors more this summer and play with my daughter more when we are indoors.  I want to read as many books as I can without being a neglectful mother.  And I want to get some muscle tone in my arms (and abs).  But none of those are resolutions for the new year.  They are just things that I think will help me be a happier me in 2011.

And here’s to you, dear bloggy friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

January 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm 4 comments

My husband and I are working on things.  I am trying to work on myself mostly.  The constant back in forth in my mind is just exhausting.  90% of the time I have no idea what it want.  And it really makes me feel like a terrible person.  He pushed me and pushed me, and I finally said the words that I didnt want to do this anymore.  That I didnt want to be with him anymore.  At the time I was angry and annoyed and he wouldnt give up the argument with out an answer.  I know that wasnt the one he wanted to hear, and I wasnt sure if it was what I wanted to say either.  But after a lot of talking about it we decided to give it another shot.

I know he loves me.  But we have some serious issues to work out.  He’s finally going and talking to someone about his issues.  And I have an appointment for the same.  I also know how badly he wants us to work out.  And I promised I would give it another shot, and I will.

We’ve both changed so much in the past two years, and we are pretty much different people.  Do these new people have what it takes to make it?

October 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm 7 comments

Down and Dirty

Well, Im not one to air dirty laundry so pardon me if this post is vague.  But I need to be honest, and I need to get it out….

Im having a hard time.

My husband and I are having a very hard time.

Im not sure if I am going to be able to live this lifestyle.

Im not sure if my marriage will survive.

The words divorce have been said.

Im terrified, but Im not really sure for which reason.

All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are.

My heart hurts.

Its mostly my fault.

I dont want to be a statistic.

I dont want my daughter to end up suffering because of me.

September 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm 10 comments

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