Posts filed under ‘Love’

Where do we go?

Well, the visit from D has come and gone. With it, there have surfaced a lot of feelings and emotions.

The little one is sad that her daddy is gone again, but at this point I think she is so used to it that she copes well.  I do know whether to be sad or proud.   She is pretty adjusted to life with him gone.  Sure there were a few tears shed in the car on the way back from the airport, but once we got home, she snapped out of it, and said she knew he would be back soon so we shouldnt be too sad.  Oh I love her.

I, personally, am not really sure how to process all of my thoughts and feelings that are left after his trip.  Our relationship has changed now, and its in such a grey area that Im not sure what it is.  All that I know for sure is that him and I have come a very long way in the past few months.  We are divorced, yes.  But there are a lot of unresolved feelings on both sides.  Our relationship has never been easy, but the time and distance from him being sent to Japan made divorce seem like our only option. Now that we have been separated for so long I think that we both have stepped back a bit to reevaluate ourselves and our feelings.  With that said, there is still a lot of hurt on both sides as well. And whether or not that is something we could ever over come is something fresh in our minds.  I guess its simpler for me than him; I know I care, and I am willing to see if things could be different.  Him?  He’s still in Japan for 4 more months and said he’s not sure he’s willing to go down that road now, if at all.  Which I totally understand.  But at the same time, when he was here we actually got the chance to just hang out as a family, and to enjoy each other a bit.  His last visit at Christmas, we barely talked to each other.  This time we are sleeping in the same bed and going to the movies. Definitely quite the change.  So, that leaves me confused. And kind of unsure how to act towards him.  We arent together, he made that clear.  But then we still spent a couple more nights together after that conversation.  We are free to do whatever we want still I guess.  But now, I guess I feel dating or seeing anyone else really isnt an option.  I dont know that I can go back to just sending him pictures of the kiddo and saying Hi, how are you? every few days.  But I guess I will have to figure that all out.

With that said, I start another chapter in this crazy life of mine.

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July 22, 2013 at 6:22 am Leave a comment

Hmmm….

Things have been so up in the air in my life lately.  Ive been pushed and pulled into a million different directions.  Ive made decisions and immediately changed my mind.  Ive been trying to stay afloat.  As someone that is rather OCD, and anxiety ridden living this way can take its toll on you.  Its really been a test of my patience to see how long I can manage to go with the flow of things.  And you know what?  Ive been doing a pretty damn good job.

Then something happens that just stops you in your tracks.  Something like your ex husband telling you that he misses you, and hopes you will be willing to bring your child to visit him in Japan this summer….  Yeah.  That was a freaking doozy.

So truth be told I still care about my ex.  Always have.  Always will.  But damn, we sure made a mess of things our first go around with our relationship.  And in order to deal with our split I took all those feelings and put them in a box where they have stayed for a good year and a half now.  Hearing that from him has definitely upped my anxiety.

That doesnt mean we will get back together or anything.  But… it sure has made both of stop and think.  What if the biggest issue with our relationship was that we both were just too young and immature when we met each other?   I have no idea if thats really the case, but it sure does make me wonder what my future holds.  And how long I am going to still be on this rollercoaster.

April 3, 2013 at 7:39 am Leave a comment

The Blues

So much has changed in the past month.  We’ve packed up, camped out in our old house for over a week, moved across the country, had to stay with friends, moved into an apartment. Oh yeah, lets not forget filing for a divorce.  None of this is what I thought my life was going to be like.  None of this makes much sense to me on most days.  But in reality, I understand why this is happening and I take responsibility for it.  I just wish that things didn’t have to work out this way.  I wish that we would have been better and stronger.  I wish I would have been better.

But here I am going slightly crazy in a crappy apartment in the rainy and cold Midwest.  And Im missing a person who isn’t even sure he likes me anymore.  And all of this is just making me so depressed.  I want to just wake up one day and realize it was all a terrible nightmare.  And that things can and will get better from here.

But mostly I need to learn to stop doing and saying things in the moment because I am hurting.  There’s that saying “hurt people, hurt people”, and I have done that lately.  And I am not proud of it.  Ive said things that Ive regretted.  And Ive done some things that Ive regretted as well.  But I was so upset and angry that in the moment it seemed like the right thing to do.  It hasn’t been anything major, but a few jabs here when talking to D, or deleting every person we had in common on Facebook….

Its petty.  And childish. And Ive been trying to rise above the drama, but I have gotten sucked back in a few times.  The past couple weeks I feel like Facebook is more trouble than its worth and I am seriously (very seriously) considering just getting rid of mine altogether.  The only reason I have not done it yet, is because I do like to share pictures with family and  few friends on there.  And thus, that is why I regret deleting some of his family and friends on there.  Our daughter is their family too and its a shame that I didn’t take my rage blinders off for a few minutes to realize they might be hurt when they couldn’t see those things anymore.

The constant rain and cold, along with the loneliness that I feel has just been draining the life and joy out of me.  This funk / depression that I am in just cannot continue.  How can I pull myself out of it so that I can be happier and make better  non-neurotic decisions?   Im not really sure.  A hug would be nice… but its not like those are readily available.

October 19, 2011 at 6:56 am 4 comments

Today….

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary.

Today there was no celebration.

Today I ate dinner alone.

Today I will drink a bottle of wine. (yes… bottle).

Today I am melancholy.

Today my husband is not on deployment, or underway, or at training… he is home.

 

 

My life has been a roller coaster ride the past few months.  I’ve probably sounded like a whiny bitch, or like Im losing my mind.  In truth I am probably both sometimes.  But seriously my life has been so all over the place that its been hard for even me to keep up.  Things have been getting a little better, in the way that our day to day interactions are pleasant and nice.  We are respectful.  But distant.  Our lives are a far cry from where we were two years ago.  The happy we had then is gone.  Every once in a while we get a glimpse of it.  But when its gone again, I feel like my heart breaks a little more every time.  I’ve changed and grown so much in the past year, that I wonder if we chose the other path if I would have “found myself” there.  I dont really think I would have.  But the expense has been so great.  Part of me thinks he will never really leave.  But the realistic part of me knows he already has. And it makes me so very very sad.

I just have to try the best I can to be the best person and mother I can be.  To stay true to myself.  I will never compromise any part of myself for the sake of another person or a relationship.  In the end I will not be happy.

I hope that the next few months are as smooth as they can be.  That we can just be nice to each other.  And against all odds, maybe we can remember why we fell in love in the first place.

May 31, 2011 at 7:48 pm 3 comments

Happy New Year and all that jazz…

Well I made it to 2011.  I’d say its quite a feat after the 2010 that I had.  Some days I was worried about dropping into a stress induced coma, or getting sent to an insitiution for attacking someone in a fit of rage / mental breakdown, or packing up my shit to go live in a tent on the beach.  But thankfully, none of it happened.  However, my job morphed into a different position, and something I hate.  Im still on the waitlist for about 5 classes and registered for none.  And my wallet is usually more empty than full.  But Im alive.  And healthy.  And my family is in one piece.  So I definitely have things to be thankful for.  And right this minute, I am doing alright.

Baby Girl decided one day that she was potty trained and ever since that second, she has not worn one pull-up or diaper.  It was Thanksgiving morning to be exact.  She came out and said – Mommy, Daddy, I have to go potty.  Then she went.  And continued to use the toilet all day.  And the next day.  And a  month later, no setbacks.  She is fully potty trained.  She is dry all night too.  To me, that just proves she was being a stubborn shit for most of last year 😉  She used the potty here and there, but she didnt want to give up her pull-ups.  But one day, she had enough being stubborn and was done with it.   Ahh, like mother like daughter I guess.

And with the New Year, most people are busy making resolutions and saying – this will be the best year ever.  But I cant do that this year.  Because my husband will be deploying a matter of weeks and will be gone most of the year.  Not that I am reliant upon my husband to be happy… but without him it will be another lonely year.  Another year being a single parent.  And another year where many challenges lie ahead.

But I do resolve to try and make the most of it.  Im still hoping I can register for some classes (fingers crossed!!!), maybe start doing yoga, get baby girl in some sort of class herself too.  I vow to get outdoors more this summer and play with my daughter more when we are indoors.  I want to read as many books as I can without being a neglectful mother.  And I want to get some muscle tone in my arms (and abs).  But none of those are resolutions for the new year.  They are just things that I think will help me be a happier me in 2011.

And here’s to you, dear bloggy friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

January 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm 4 comments

Hope

For the first time in a couple months I have hope again.  Hope that my marriage will survive and we can work things out.  I finally feel like we are on the same page, and we can just move on from here.  And I am happy about it.  I hope that soon we can both say that we are happy again.  Living our life in bliss even if we are not physically together at the moment.

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Also, I hope that most of you know about the counseling resources provided to military families by MilitaryOneSource.  Its very simple and easy to use.  All you have to do is call, and someone will get you set up with a counselor.  I am currently using this for personal counseling, however my husband and I will be going to a marriage counselor when he gets back from this underway.  Its honestly such a great service, so please keep it in mind for the future if you ever need it.

November 1, 2010 at 3:39 pm 2 comments

Down and Dirty

Well, Im not one to air dirty laundry so pardon me if this post is vague.  But I need to be honest, and I need to get it out….

Im having a hard time.

My husband and I are having a very hard time.

Im not sure if I am going to be able to live this lifestyle.

Im not sure if my marriage will survive.

The words divorce have been said.

Im terrified, but Im not really sure for which reason.

All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are.

My heart hurts.

Its mostly my fault.

I dont want to be a statistic.

I dont want my daughter to end up suffering because of me.

September 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm 10 comments

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