Posts filed under ‘Military Spouse’

Happy New Year and all that jazz…

Well I made it to 2011.  I’d say its quite a feat after the 2010 that I had.  Some days I was worried about dropping into a stress induced coma, or getting sent to an insitiution for attacking someone in a fit of rage / mental breakdown, or packing up my shit to go live in a tent on the beach.  But thankfully, none of it happened.  However, my job morphed into a different position, and something I hate.  Im still on the waitlist for about 5 classes and registered for none.  And my wallet is usually more empty than full.  But Im alive.  And healthy.  And my family is in one piece.  So I definitely have things to be thankful for.  And right this minute, I am doing alright.

Baby Girl decided one day that she was potty trained and ever since that second, she has not worn one pull-up or diaper.  It was Thanksgiving morning to be exact.  She came out and said – Mommy, Daddy, I have to go potty.  Then she went.  And continued to use the toilet all day.  And the next day.  And a  month later, no setbacks.  She is fully potty trained.  She is dry all night too.  To me, that just proves she was being a stubborn shit for most of last year 😉  She used the potty here and there, but she didnt want to give up her pull-ups.  But one day, she had enough being stubborn and was done with it.   Ahh, like mother like daughter I guess.

And with the New Year, most people are busy making resolutions and saying – this will be the best year ever.  But I cant do that this year.  Because my husband will be deploying a matter of weeks and will be gone most of the year.  Not that I am reliant upon my husband to be happy… but without him it will be another lonely year.  Another year being a single parent.  And another year where many challenges lie ahead.

But I do resolve to try and make the most of it.  Im still hoping I can register for some classes (fingers crossed!!!), maybe start doing yoga, get baby girl in some sort of class herself too.  I vow to get outdoors more this summer and play with my daughter more when we are indoors.  I want to read as many books as I can without being a neglectful mother.  And I want to get some muscle tone in my arms (and abs).  But none of those are resolutions for the new year.  They are just things that I think will help me be a happier me in 2011.

And here’s to you, dear bloggy friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

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January 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm 4 comments

Moving (On)

D and I had a talk yesterday about us moving on from all this drama in our lives.  We both want to try and make things work.  We will be seeing a counselor as soon as he gets back, and hopefully be back on track.  There is definitely a part of me that wonders if its even possible.  But my thinking is that if we go to counseling and both of us are honest and lay everything on the table, and we cant move on from there… then I feel like we both have given it everything.  Of course, we will both go into it with open minds and hearts.

We also talked about his upcoming deployment very early next year.  He really really wants me to go home to Michigan.  I dont want to, but I am running out of fight.  Sure it will be easier with family around, and my best friends.  And yes we could save a good deal of money.  But I will have to move twice in a 6 month time period, after we just moved here.  And I want to build my life here.  I dont want to feel like I cant make it here without him.  Because I know I can.  I think he will feel more secure in our marriage if I am home though.  I think he wont worry as much, knowing we will have so many people around to be there for us.

Part of me feels like it is running away.  I dont want that.  So I am torn.  Sigh.  I guess we have a few more months to figure it out.

November 3, 2010 at 12:18 pm 9 comments

Hope

For the first time in a couple months I have hope again.  Hope that my marriage will survive and we can work things out.  I finally feel like we are on the same page, and we can just move on from here.  And I am happy about it.  I hope that soon we can both say that we are happy again.  Living our life in bliss even if we are not physically together at the moment.

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Also, I hope that most of you know about the counseling resources provided to military families by MilitaryOneSource.  Its very simple and easy to use.  All you have to do is call, and someone will get you set up with a counselor.  I am currently using this for personal counseling, however my husband and I will be going to a marriage counselor when he gets back from this underway.  Its honestly such a great service, so please keep it in mind for the future if you ever need it.

November 1, 2010 at 3:39 pm 2 comments

My husband and I are working on things.  I am trying to work on myself mostly.  The constant back in forth in my mind is just exhausting.  90% of the time I have no idea what it want.  And it really makes me feel like a terrible person.  He pushed me and pushed me, and I finally said the words that I didnt want to do this anymore.  That I didnt want to be with him anymore.  At the time I was angry and annoyed and he wouldnt give up the argument with out an answer.  I know that wasnt the one he wanted to hear, and I wasnt sure if it was what I wanted to say either.  But after a lot of talking about it we decided to give it another shot.

I know he loves me.  But we have some serious issues to work out.  He’s finally going and talking to someone about his issues.  And I have an appointment for the same.  I also know how badly he wants us to work out.  And I promised I would give it another shot, and I will.

We’ve both changed so much in the past two years, and we are pretty much different people.  Do these new people have what it takes to make it?

October 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm 7 comments

Down and Dirty

Well, Im not one to air dirty laundry so pardon me if this post is vague.  But I need to be honest, and I need to get it out….

Im having a hard time.

My husband and I are having a very hard time.

Im not sure if I am going to be able to live this lifestyle.

Im not sure if my marriage will survive.

The words divorce have been said.

Im terrified, but Im not really sure for which reason.

All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are.

My heart hurts.

Its mostly my fault.

I dont want to be a statistic.

I dont want my daughter to end up suffering because of me.

September 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm 10 comments

Pass the Xanax

As you may know, my husband and I recently moved across the country  for his sea duty rotation.  Before he could report to the ship he had to go to training in Virginia for 5 months.  Thankfully we did get to talk on the phone each night and had a few weekends where we got to meet up for a night or two to see each other.  I considered this our breaking in period for sea duty.  I guess, Im glad we got to ease back into it.

Right now my husband is underway.  He has been gone since 2 weeks after we moved here.  And now that he is gearing up to be home soon… I find myself in that weird place.  The anxious place right before your reunite with your spouse after a long separation.  Now, he wasnt on a deployment or anything… but I figured out that we have only seen each other 48 days out of the 214 days this year (sporadically).  It feels like he has been gone all year.  Well because for the most part he was.  And when we were together right before this underway?  Was spent getting ready to move, moving, and unpacking.  So we werent very warm & fuzzy due to all the stress.

I find myself very anxious about his return.  I cannot wait to see him and hug him… but then what?  Will it be the same?  Ive been living in a new city for a few months without him.  Im afraid he will think he’s not needed around anymore.  I worry that he will think Im different, and that he will be sad that Baby Girl has gotten so big. But time cannot stand still while he is gone.  We have to live our lives without him if he’s gone.  And of course we miss him.

I find myself thinking about the next 10 years.  And the fact that with this PCS and re-enlistment my husband decided to be a lifer.  And that means this is my life as well.  Time apart, worry, anxiety.  I find myself worrying that one day I will crack under the pressure of it all.  That I wont be strong enough, and that I will have failed my marriage.  Im looking down this long tunnel and I cant even see the light at the end yet.  I suppose that every MilSpouse thinks that at one point.  Tell me thats normal.  Please?

Okay, I know thats pretty heavy.  Right now, Im doing alright…. just missing my husband and feeling anxious about his return.  I love him very much.  Im just hoping that we can settle back into things and be just as happy as we were before we left Michigan and recruiting.  Because it took us a while, but we had found our groove there.  Things were fantastic.  Life was just good.

I think Im too scattered for this to even make sense.  Im just going to breathe and take it one day at a time.

August 2, 2010 at 12:24 pm 5 comments

MyCAA Update

This.Is.Bullshit.

Bulletin update sent out by MilitaryOneSource today:

MyCAA Update

DoD will resume the MyCAA program. The Department of Defense has completed the program review and will be making the necessary adjustments to resume the MyCAA program beginning in October 2010.

Starting 8 a.m. (EDT) Monday October 25, 2010, Military OneSource career and education counselors will have a much more active role in supporting military spouses. In addition to understanding resources available via DoD’s financial aid support, they will provide support and assistance to identify and gain access to other federal, state, and local programs. All military spouses of active duty service members will be eligible for career counseling and support.

New financial assistance guidelines. With a focus on the original intent of the program, the Defense Department’s financial assistance program will:

  • Be available to spouses of active duty service members in pay grades E1-E5, W1-W2, and O1-O2
  • Offer a maximum financial benefit of $4,000 with a fiscal year cap of $2,000. Waivers will be available for spouses pursuing licensure or certification up to the total maximum assistance of $4,000
  • Require military spouses to finish their program of study within three years from the start date of the first course
  • Be limited to associate degrees, certifications, and licensures

These new guidelines reflect a return to the original purpose of the program – to assist spouses of service members in achieving portable careers. These changes also align the program with responsible fiscal planning by the Defense Department to help sustain the program. Additional program details will be posted on the Military OneSource Web site when they become available. We encourage you to check the site often.

Spouses who currently have an active account will be allowed to request financial assistance until Thursday, October 21, 2010. Beginning September 1, 2010, spouses may request financial assistance for classes that have a start date up to January 15, 2011. To ensure adequate time to plan for courses, no career plans will be accepted after August 31, 2010. All currently approved financial assistance documents will be honored.

Additionally, the review revealed that National Guard and Reserve members must be on active duty for their spouses to receive the MyCAA benefit. Spouses may no longer use the MyCAA benefit when the service member is in an alert or demobilization period. The new eligibility rule takes effect immediately.

The program will be closed from Friday, October 22 to Monday, October 25, 2010, so that we may ensure the infrastructure is in place to implement the new program.

Military spouses are the backbone for military families, displaying strength of character to be admired by this nation. The Department of Defense remains committed to investing in military families, and appreciates the sacrifice of those who also serve.

My favorite part – that last paragraph.  Go ahead read it again.  Then go to the part where they exclude a large portion of us spouses because our spouses ranks are too high.  Gotta tell you, my E6 husband and I aren’t rolling in the dough thats for sure.  A little help to pay for some additional schooling would be nice.

Whatever MyCAA.  Take your program and shove it.

July 20, 2010 at 11:44 am 5 comments

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