Posts filed under ‘Military’

Moving, maybe ?

So, even though things are still so damn up in the air right now, I have decided to add a few other things to that juggling act.  The biggest thing is that Im seriously considering packing up and moving down to Virginia when D gets stationed back in the States.  This is something that we discussed extensively while we were in the process of getting our divorce, and something that we both take very seriously.  When he left for Japan we had no idea at all what his next set or orders would be, and if that meant he was coming back to the US, or if he would be staying out in the Asian Pacific longer than planned (oh gods we hoped not).  Thankfully he has a set of orders in hand right now, and it looks like late November will be the realistic timeline for him to move back.

The last time we discussed the little one and I relocating was over a year ago, and we kind of left things in a grey area.  I was trying my hardest to move on from our failed relationship and was actually hoping that by now I’d have some reason to stay here.  Not that I actually want to live in Michigan forever, because lets be honest we know I dont.  But that maybe I’d have a person making staying here worth it.  But alas, I also failed at dating (which freaking sucks btw) because I wasnt really over my divorce, and now I find myself in the position that relocating sounds like a it could be a reality.

Of course, there are pros and cons to everything.  Of course the biggest glaring con is that D and I have this weird relationship where we are half best friends, half trying to move past all our past drama.  At this point, we are not getting back together and who knows if that is even an option down the road.  So we would both be living in a new city and not knowing anyone else but each other.  That may make things weird.

Another con is that financially it would be a bit tight, but could be done. I would have to cut back a lot in order to make things feasible.  I hate apartment living, but it may be the way to go if we move to the Fredericksburg area.

I know that I definitely want to move to Virginia Beach though, once he is stationed down there in mid-2015.  I actually like that area a lot.  Though, I met D when he was living there and we spent a lot of time out and about when we were dating there.  Again, that would be weird.  But maybe no more weird than when I first moved back home to MI and started going to all those places we used to go together.  I think Virginia Beach is much easier financially for me.

Anyways, this is all still just a discussion and things are up in the air, but it is something that is weighing heavily on my mind right now. Here’s hoping that we can make things work somehow.


July 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm Leave a comment

Missing Daddy

My poor sweet girl is having a hard time re-adjusting to not talking to her daddy everyday.  Its only been about a week or so since his ship shoved off and headed on deployment.  There hasnt been a ton of communication between him and I, but I do udpate him on what is going on with her.  But that doesnt really do a 4 year old much good.  She misses talking to him on the phone and skyping ever couple days.  Butwhat she really misses is being able to play and hug her daddy.

She’s handled most of this like a frigging champ, and I really cannot complain.  She is an awesome kid that is so full of joy and love.  But every night when I put her to bed the tears start.  And my heart breaks in two.  She’s generally not just trying to stay up a few extra minutes.  No, she does that by saying she’s hot, needs a sip of water, wants new jammies, or has to go potty.  So when she wont let me go when I hug her, and she starts to cry… thats real.  I have no idea what to do or say to make it better.  I just tell her that daddy loves and misses her, and that Ill give her extra hugs until he comes back.  Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesnt.

Now let me tell you, I am a loving mother, but I set strict limits when it comes to bedtime and I always have.  I dont mess around.  I say bedtime, you go.  End of story.  My daughter has been testing us at bedtime for a while now, but she’s never gotten ANY give.  Some people may think this is weird, but unless it was a late night feeding when she was an infant…. I never rocked my daughter to sleep.  Ever.  That is until a couple of weeks ago.  My daughter had the absolute biggest melt down of her life and just couldnt calm herself down.  I decided to give, and rocked her for a few minutes and she fell right to sleep.  (Of course she has been asking me to do this every night since).  Then the other night, she just wanted me to hug her and wouldnt let me go.  I found myself wondering – “why am I fighting her on this?  When she is just sad and missing her daddy.”  I knew she wasnt acting like that just to misbehave.  So I layed down with her and let her cuddle with me for 20 minutes.

Maybe Im learning that at times I can be too rigid.  Im trying to say “Yes” to her more often, and that sometimes includes bedtime.  One extra snuggle on the couch wont kill me, and chances are she will still fall asleep at the same time regardless.  Mind you, Im not tossing my rules out the window.  But rather, Im coming to terms with the fact that my little sensitive girl is having a tough time too, and she needs a little extra love and understanding.  Hell I  know I’ve needed that myself.

March 31, 2012 at 12:59 pm Leave a comment

Big Changes

Well, things are in motion and big changes are coming our way.  My husband and I have come to a mutual agreement that splitting up is best for us.  There are so many emotions that go along with this, but at the end of the day its what we both know is best for us.

He also got orders to go to Japan for 2 years.  He leaves sometime after Christmas.  Between now and then we have a lot of things to take care of.  I am moving back to Michigan to be closer to family.  I love San Diego and would honestly love to stay except for two things.  1. Cost of living and 2. my family and the few close friends I have.  Simply put I just cannot afford it out here by myself.  But, moving home will give me and my daughter the ability to see family on a whim.  Be surrounded by people that care for us.  And experience 4 real seasons.  (Oh who am I kidding I hate snow!)

When Dwayne gets back from Japan… Im not sure what the plan is.  We will figure it out at that time what is best for us and our daughter.  I don’t think divorce is something to be taken lightly.  But this has been something that we have discussed for a very long time.  We have tried everything possible to avoid it, but we just can’t.

Now we are both moving on to the acceptance phase of all of this.  it will be an adjustment when we move to Michigan and he is staying with friends and family instead of with us.  But it is what it is.  We will both be stronger when this is over.  And hopefully we both can find our happiness again.

So our pack out is in two weeks.  Look out Michigan… I will be back October 1st!

September 13, 2011 at 11:58 am 7 comments

MyCAA Update


Bulletin update sent out by MilitaryOneSource today:

MyCAA Update

DoD will resume the MyCAA program. The Department of Defense has completed the program review and will be making the necessary adjustments to resume the MyCAA program beginning in October 2010.

Starting 8 a.m. (EDT) Monday October 25, 2010, Military OneSource career and education counselors will have a much more active role in supporting military spouses. In addition to understanding resources available via DoD’s financial aid support, they will provide support and assistance to identify and gain access to other federal, state, and local programs. All military spouses of active duty service members will be eligible for career counseling and support.

New financial assistance guidelines. With a focus on the original intent of the program, the Defense Department’s financial assistance program will:

  • Be available to spouses of active duty service members in pay grades E1-E5, W1-W2, and O1-O2
  • Offer a maximum financial benefit of $4,000 with a fiscal year cap of $2,000. Waivers will be available for spouses pursuing licensure or certification up to the total maximum assistance of $4,000
  • Require military spouses to finish their program of study within three years from the start date of the first course
  • Be limited to associate degrees, certifications, and licensures

These new guidelines reflect a return to the original purpose of the program – to assist spouses of service members in achieving portable careers. These changes also align the program with responsible fiscal planning by the Defense Department to help sustain the program. Additional program details will be posted on the Military OneSource Web site when they become available. We encourage you to check the site often.

Spouses who currently have an active account will be allowed to request financial assistance until Thursday, October 21, 2010. Beginning September 1, 2010, spouses may request financial assistance for classes that have a start date up to January 15, 2011. To ensure adequate time to plan for courses, no career plans will be accepted after August 31, 2010. All currently approved financial assistance documents will be honored.

Additionally, the review revealed that National Guard and Reserve members must be on active duty for their spouses to receive the MyCAA benefit. Spouses may no longer use the MyCAA benefit when the service member is in an alert or demobilization period. The new eligibility rule takes effect immediately.

The program will be closed from Friday, October 22 to Monday, October 25, 2010, so that we may ensure the infrastructure is in place to implement the new program.

Military spouses are the backbone for military families, displaying strength of character to be admired by this nation. The Department of Defense remains committed to investing in military families, and appreciates the sacrifice of those who also serve.

My favorite part – that last paragraph.  Go ahead read it again.  Then go to the part where they exclude a large portion of us spouses because our spouses ranks are too high.  Gotta tell you, my E6 husband and I aren’t rolling in the dough thats for sure.  A little help to pay for some additional schooling would be nice.

Whatever MyCAA.  Take your program and shove it.

July 20, 2010 at 11:44 am 5 comments

Alive & Kicking

Well I started to type out a few posts over the past two weeks, but I didnt really have it in me.  I still dont.  Ive got a lot going on, and I just cant seem to get my brain to focus.

But we made it to San Diego.  Everything went fantastically well with our move.  Big gold star to the moving company the DoD hired.  They were great.

Loving our condo so much!  Loving the city!  The noises… the sunshine… the people… not so much the smells.  Cities smell gross.  Well unless you venture north a few blocks to Little Italy, then is smells – A-mazing.

Husband is already underway for a bit.  Im already pissed at the ship (didnt take me long), and they totally effing deserve it.  The FRG isnt active right now, so Ive ventured out a bit online to meet some other people in the area.  So far I had dinner with two lovely ladies on Monday, and we may head out to the beach on Friday afternoon  🙂  So yay for that.

My daughter is still kind of iffy about being here.  She all of a sudden hates sleeping in her bed, and asks for her pacifier all the time.  She hasnt gotten her pacifier, except for bed time, in about a year.  So thats awesome.  Oh and she is a tantrum machine.  Its been fun…

Im looking forward to exploring more of the city & surrounding areas and meeting new people.  I cant wait for my husband to be home so that I can go out and explore with him.

But now that we are settled, I should be back to blogging on a more frequent basis.  I know… you’re salivating at the thought 😉

June 23, 2010 at 4:52 pm 9 comments

When are you "allowed" to miss someone?

Yesterday I had a bad day. A really bad day. Mostly because my daughter was being a little hellion, but also in part because I miss my husband. I woke up with yet another headache, still tired and wondering what the day had in store. The first hour or so was normal, but then my daughter must have decided that it was No day. As in anything I wanted her to do was – No. Or “NO, I don’t want to!” Or, “Leave me alone!” Or “Mommy, be quiet!” Okay fine she is a 2 year old, its part of the age. I totally get that. But after an entire day of the screaming, and the not eating, and the tantrums, and the whining for anything and everything… it started to wear on my nerves. Then bedtime was pure hell. An hour and a half of screaming bloody murder and crying because she just didn’t want to go to bed… I just needed a break. Just a few minutes to sit in some peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and recharge. This is where the missing the husband thing comes in. He is so great at taking over when I need it. We share all the responsibilities of taking care of the house and baby when he is home. Now its all on me. Which is fine, I have known for a long time that lifestyle was coming… but it really is hard to do it on your own when every step of the way you’ve had help.

Now Im sure there are some of you reading this an rolling your eyes telling me to get a grip. I can appreciate that my situation is by no means terrible. But here is something I just have to say… I am done feeling guilty about missing my husband. Everyone’s situation is different. And right now I am on the early side of things. My husband just left for the first time in years, and I feel like there is this big cloud hanging over me… its all the missing and the separation, and the unknowns of the future that are causing me anxiety. That this is only the beginning… that we signed up for five damn years on a ship. I am not just missing my husband, I am anticipatorily missing him as well… for all the times he will be gone in the future too.

Is it fair to say that since he won’t be gone a year, or 18 months or because in this moment he isn’t in a dangerous place that I am not allowed to miss him? I have been beating myself up over this because I have friends who’s loved ones have been gone all year. Because my brother in law is deploying in a few weeks. I have told myself over and over to just suck it up, that he’s only 10 hours away. That its only 4 months. That I can talk to him on the phone each night. But all of that doesn’t change that he is away from me and my daughter right now. That she asks to see him and talk to him about 50 times a day. That she hugs and kisses his picture, and has started wearing my locket with our picture in it telling me – mommy & daddy are in there! That breaks my heart. Because she doesn’t fully understand what is going on. She doesn’t have a concept of time, but she misses him regardless because he isn’t there. It’s a constant reminder of what he is missing, and who she is missing.  And it makes it that much harder.

And as my husband so wonderfully reminded me last night – “its only been a little over a week, what are you going to do when it’s a deployment?” Right, I understand what he is saying. But doesn’t it make sense that the first week or two are the hardest? That is the time where you have to get into your own routine of doing things by yourself. That you have to get used to not having them there. That for me is the hardest part. Im sure in another week I will be able to say – pshh… I got this! And things will just flow and I will be fine, and my daughter will adjust to having just me home.  And down the road when he is doing workups or underways, that It will be easier on me because by then I will have the hang of it.

But also  let me add, that I think there are different degrees of missing someone too. Its not like ‘Ive been sitting on my couch crying my eyes out drinking wine until I cant walk, wondering how the time will ever seem to pass. Because the reality is that our situation isn’t that bad. But do I miss him helping with the dishes, and giving the baby a bath, and helping to fold laundry, and cuddling on the couch after Baby Girl has gone to bed? I sure as hell do.  And you know what, if I didn’t… that I think that would be problem. 

I married my husband because I love him, and want to spend my life with him. So I am done feeling guilty about wanting him home with me. I am done telling myself that because my situation isn’t as bad as another person’s, that I am not allowed to feel that way. Because at the end of the day, there is always someone somewhere that has it worse than all of us.

January 18, 2010 at 10:15 am 10 comments

Happy Veteran's Day

Happy Veteran’s Day to all Vets and current Active Duty, Reserve, Guard, etc.  Your service is something that you truly should be thanked for.  I very seriously considered joining the Army back in 2002 when I was a senior in high school.  The logical / realistic part of my brain told me that there was no way that I could handle it.  I know that.  So for everyone that has or is serving, “thank you”.

I want to give a special thanks to the people in my life that have or are serving: my husband (Navy), lil sister #1 (Army), uncle (Marines), great-uncle (Navy), FIL (Army), 3 active duty cousins (Army), 2 veteran cousins (Army), another cousin (Nat. Guard), grandfather (Navy), great-grandfather (Navy), great great grandfather (Army), and countless friends and spouses of friends that are or were in all branches. 

Thank a Vet today.  Buy a red poppy.  Or at least stop and take a moment to remember why these people have a day to honor them.

By: Lt. Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

November 11, 2009 at 4:01 pm Leave a comment

"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." - Maya Angelou

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou