Posts filed under ‘Moving’

Moving Again & Anxiety

There are a lot of things in my life right now that are up in the air, and it is making me sick with anxiety.  I am a naturally anxious person, so I try to keep the drama, hectic-ness, and worrying in my life to a minimum.  Easier said that done most times.  As of right now my life is facing a crossroads of sorts where things can really go a couple different ways, and all of them are as different from each other as can possibly be.  Im nervous and scared that I will make the wrong choice (again).  Worrying that things wont end up working out the way I want them to, once I make a choice (again).

I am a divorced single mother of a soon to be 6 year old.  I almost dont even know how that happened.  How did things get so off track that I ended up here?  I sometimes think about it and laugh, because surely this must be a dream that I will wake up from and get a chance to go back to that turning point in my life and make the other choice with my new found wisdom and maturity.  But that only happens in Nicolas Cage movies, right?

My ex will be back in the States and living in Virginia for a couple of years.  First for school in Dahlgren, then down to VA Beach for a couple years.  I have a job that allows me to telecommute, so living anywhere is a possibility.  The idea of moving down to Virginia has been something I’ve been stewing over for months now.  Going back and forth and debating with myself if this would be a good move.  Should I just jump in head first and see what happens?  Start fresh in a new city and make new friends.  Live in and explore other parts of the country that I have only had a chance to visit temporarily?  That sounds nice.  But moving away from my (limited) support system will be difficult.  Even though my family is here, there are only a couple of people that are present in my life in a real way.  But they do help me the best they can, and provide that love and support I need to push through.  But if we are close enough to the little one’s father, then he will be able to help out and share the parenting responsibilities.  I wouldnt be constantly looking for a sitter, and relying on people to help me out if he is closer.

But along with that move would come loneliness.  Even more so than what I have now.  I would essentially be in a new city all alone, with my ex being the only other person I know.  While we are friendly now, I am genuinely worried about what our relationship dynamic will be when we are living in the same city again.  It is one of the biggest things going on right now that is causing me anxiety.  The move has the potential to bring us closer, and possibly address and realize those lingering feelings for each other are still alive.  Or living closer to each other when one of us moves on has the ability to crumble that friendly nature we have with each other, and have us living as true exes.  That dont like each other.  And I hate that thought.  Though to be fair, if we stayed put in MI, and he was in Virginia either of those outcomes are still a very real possibility.

It may seem like moving isnt the right choice.  But along with it being good for Miss A and her dad, it also has the potential to be really great for me career wise.  We are planning and strategizing at work for the next year and making changes to how we will be handling the client I am currently working on.  We need someone in NoVA and near Delaware (well closer than Michigan), and me moving seems to fit the bill.  My boss did say a couple weeks ago, that he would be thrilled if I moved there.  Just waiting for the plans to be put in place, and really hoping that it somehow doesnt end up changing on me.

Trying to remain focused on taking care of myself and my daughter right now, and not constantly thinking about and worrying about what will happen in the future.  Whatever will happen wont be picture perfect I am sure.  And if I only have control over a small part of it, then I need to do what I can to accept that.  My emotions tend to run away with me, and I am really working my hardest to reign them in, and trying to remember to just breathe.


October 17, 2013 at 6:44 am Leave a comment

Moving, maybe ?

So, even though things are still so damn up in the air right now, I have decided to add a few other things to that juggling act.  The biggest thing is that Im seriously considering packing up and moving down to Virginia when D gets stationed back in the States.  This is something that we discussed extensively while we were in the process of getting our divorce, and something that we both take very seriously.  When he left for Japan we had no idea at all what his next set or orders would be, and if that meant he was coming back to the US, or if he would be staying out in the Asian Pacific longer than planned (oh gods we hoped not).  Thankfully he has a set of orders in hand right now, and it looks like late November will be the realistic timeline for him to move back.

The last time we discussed the little one and I relocating was over a year ago, and we kind of left things in a grey area.  I was trying my hardest to move on from our failed relationship and was actually hoping that by now I’d have some reason to stay here.  Not that I actually want to live in Michigan forever, because lets be honest we know I dont.  But that maybe I’d have a person making staying here worth it.  But alas, I also failed at dating (which freaking sucks btw) because I wasnt really over my divorce, and now I find myself in the position that relocating sounds like a it could be a reality.

Of course, there are pros and cons to everything.  Of course the biggest glaring con is that D and I have this weird relationship where we are half best friends, half trying to move past all our past drama.  At this point, we are not getting back together and who knows if that is even an option down the road.  So we would both be living in a new city and not knowing anyone else but each other.  That may make things weird.

Another con is that financially it would be a bit tight, but could be done. I would have to cut back a lot in order to make things feasible.  I hate apartment living, but it may be the way to go if we move to the Fredericksburg area.

I know that I definitely want to move to Virginia Beach though, once he is stationed down there in mid-2015.  I actually like that area a lot.  Though, I met D when he was living there and we spent a lot of time out and about when we were dating there.  Again, that would be weird.  But maybe no more weird than when I first moved back home to MI and started going to all those places we used to go together.  I think Virginia Beach is much easier financially for me.

Anyways, this is all still just a discussion and things are up in the air, but it is something that is weighing heavily on my mind right now. Here’s hoping that we can make things work somehow.

July 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm Leave a comment

The Blues

So much has changed in the past month.  We’ve packed up, camped out in our old house for over a week, moved across the country, had to stay with friends, moved into an apartment. Oh yeah, lets not forget filing for a divorce.  None of this is what I thought my life was going to be like.  None of this makes much sense to me on most days.  But in reality, I understand why this is happening and I take responsibility for it.  I just wish that things didn’t have to work out this way.  I wish that we would have been better and stronger.  I wish I would have been better.

But here I am going slightly crazy in a crappy apartment in the rainy and cold Midwest.  And Im missing a person who isn’t even sure he likes me anymore.  And all of this is just making me so depressed.  I want to just wake up one day and realize it was all a terrible nightmare.  And that things can and will get better from here.

But mostly I need to learn to stop doing and saying things in the moment because I am hurting.  There’s that saying “hurt people, hurt people”, and I have done that lately.  And I am not proud of it.  Ive said things that Ive regretted.  And Ive done some things that Ive regretted as well.  But I was so upset and angry that in the moment it seemed like the right thing to do.  It hasn’t been anything major, but a few jabs here when talking to D, or deleting every person we had in common on Facebook….

Its petty.  And childish. And Ive been trying to rise above the drama, but I have gotten sucked back in a few times.  The past couple weeks I feel like Facebook is more trouble than its worth and I am seriously (very seriously) considering just getting rid of mine altogether.  The only reason I have not done it yet, is because I do like to share pictures with family and  few friends on there.  And thus, that is why I regret deleting some of his family and friends on there.  Our daughter is their family too and its a shame that I didn’t take my rage blinders off for a few minutes to realize they might be hurt when they couldn’t see those things anymore.

The constant rain and cold, along with the loneliness that I feel has just been draining the life and joy out of me.  This funk / depression that I am in just cannot continue.  How can I pull myself out of it so that I can be happier and make better  non-neurotic decisions?   Im not really sure.  A hug would be nice… but its not like those are readily available.

October 19, 2011 at 6:56 am 4 comments

Big Changes

Well, things are in motion and big changes are coming our way.  My husband and I have come to a mutual agreement that splitting up is best for us.  There are so many emotions that go along with this, but at the end of the day its what we both know is best for us.

He also got orders to go to Japan for 2 years.  He leaves sometime after Christmas.  Between now and then we have a lot of things to take care of.  I am moving back to Michigan to be closer to family.  I love San Diego and would honestly love to stay except for two things.  1. Cost of living and 2. my family and the few close friends I have.  Simply put I just cannot afford it out here by myself.  But, moving home will give me and my daughter the ability to see family on a whim.  Be surrounded by people that care for us.  And experience 4 real seasons.  (Oh who am I kidding I hate snow!)

When Dwayne gets back from Japan… Im not sure what the plan is.  We will figure it out at that time what is best for us and our daughter.  I don’t think divorce is something to be taken lightly.  But this has been something that we have discussed for a very long time.  We have tried everything possible to avoid it, but we just can’t.

Now we are both moving on to the acceptance phase of all of this.  it will be an adjustment when we move to Michigan and he is staying with friends and family instead of with us.  But it is what it is.  We will both be stronger when this is over.  And hopefully we both can find our happiness again.

So our pack out is in two weeks.  Look out Michigan… I will be back October 1st!

September 13, 2011 at 11:58 am 7 comments

"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." - Maya Angelou

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" - Maya Angelou