Posts filed under ‘My Brain Hurts’

I’ve started a couple of blog posts recently, but then I realize how personal I will get and I just stop myself in my tracks.  the things that have been on the forefront of my mind lately are deep and sort of overwhelming and I feel like maybe I should get a journal for that kind of stuff.  But despite what therapists say, Im one of those people that I feel like I actually get my feelings out better through typing, rather than hand writing.

Ive been feeling so out of sorts lately.  Not like myself at all.  Not quite depressed, but more like disjointed and distant from my own feelings and myself.  As a rational person, I think this is a defense mechanism that Ive put in place to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection.  But even realizing that doesnt help me to overcome it.  I feel empty. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  Compared to a lot of people, my life isnt that bad.

So, what is my deal?  A lot of things really.  Work has become extremely stressful.  Im working about 10-12 hours a day.   Constantly dealing with some crisis or other.  Processing 500-800 emails a day.  Working my ass off and never able to catch up.  Im like hamster on that freaking wheel just running as fast as I can and getting nowhere.  Its exhausting.

My daughter has been having behavioral issues all year in school. She shows many markers for ADHD (which her father has), and she is quite defiant.  And she is overly emotional.  She misses her father and doesnt know how to deal with her feelings.  She is 5 after all. We may have gotten some good news that D may get stationed back in the US for a while at the end of this year.  Its not set in stone yet, but after this hellish time that we have had the past two years, having him 10 hours away seems like a cake walk. (Im sure it wont be, but you know…. the grass is always greener….)

Adding to that is the fact that there are still some unresolved feelings that have been lingering for almost two years now. Its tough to deal with sometimes. But Im trying my best. And doing what I can to make life great for my daughter.  The love that I have for her is truly what matters most.


May 6, 2013 at 7:33 am Leave a comment

Im Not Hiding

Today I put my blog on private, because I didnt want someone to read it anymore.  There has been a lot of drama going on in my life recently and I would really like to shred some of that.  And in doing so, it means shredding people out of my life that no longer fit into it.  But I did realize that it doesnt mean that I have to hide.  Im not going to close myself off to the rest of the world, and the great blogging friends that I have made because of this.  Im going to try very hard to keep my head high, and hold it together until this storm passes.  And after that, I will be a better person for it.

So sorry folks, if I worried any of you.  Im doing fine, relatively speaking, and will continue to blog.  Also, sorry if this post doesnt make any sense at all… because I dont really make a lot of sense right now.

I love ya’ll, my blogging friends.  Thank you always for your virtual support.

February 22, 2011 at 3:27 pm 6 comments


I have been in a funk.  The kind where I am kind of in a daze staring into space a lot of the time.  Im trying hard to keep my mind off of my husband’s upcoming deployment.  We are now counting his departure in days, not weeks.  We are all sorts of sad in our house, but we are trying to make the best of the time we have before he headss out.  But in my funky pre-deployment depression I am doing a few things I normally dont do.  I am full on binge eating.  I.Cannot.Stop.Eating.Junk.  I eat when Im not hungry.  And when I am hungry, I just keep on eating once I get that full feeling.  Its a shitty way of coping, since I have since gained back the 8 pounds I lost when we moved here.  And that makes me more depressed.  Its a vicious cycle.

Another thing Im doing is watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix from the beginning of the series like a crazed addict.  I watched seasons 1-5 in less that two weeks.  I was watching at our Mac while also working.  Its my distraction.  I work all day and have it on in the background and there is no extra room in my brain to think about anything else.  My work hasnt been suffering since Ive seen all the episodes and its mostly background noise.  But I havent read a blog, went on Twitter hardly at all, and I’ve barely been on Facebook.  I haven’t chatted with my friends, or even texted anyone.  So pretty much If you arent in my living room, I havent talked to you.

So sorry to all my friends, I’ve been neglectful.  I miss you.  Like I said, I’ve been in a funky daze the past few weeks.

January 21, 2011 at 1:45 pm 1 comment

My husband and I are working on things.  I am trying to work on myself mostly.  The constant back in forth in my mind is just exhausting.  90% of the time I have no idea what it want.  And it really makes me feel like a terrible person.  He pushed me and pushed me, and I finally said the words that I didnt want to do this anymore.  That I didnt want to be with him anymore.  At the time I was angry and annoyed and he wouldnt give up the argument with out an answer.  I know that wasnt the one he wanted to hear, and I wasnt sure if it was what I wanted to say either.  But after a lot of talking about it we decided to give it another shot.

I know he loves me.  But we have some serious issues to work out.  He’s finally going and talking to someone about his issues.  And I have an appointment for the same.  I also know how badly he wants us to work out.  And I promised I would give it another shot, and I will.

We’ve both changed so much in the past two years, and we are pretty much different people.  Do these new people have what it takes to make it?

October 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm 7 comments

Down and Dirty

Well, Im not one to air dirty laundry so pardon me if this post is vague.  But I need to be honest, and I need to get it out….

Im having a hard time.

My husband and I are having a very hard time.

Im not sure if I am going to be able to live this lifestyle.

Im not sure if my marriage will survive.

The words divorce have been said.

Im terrified, but Im not really sure for which reason.

All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are.

My heart hurts.

Its mostly my fault.

I dont want to be a statistic.

I dont want my daughter to end up suffering because of me.

September 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm 10 comments

MyCAA Update


Bulletin update sent out by MilitaryOneSource today:

MyCAA Update

DoD will resume the MyCAA program. The Department of Defense has completed the program review and will be making the necessary adjustments to resume the MyCAA program beginning in October 2010.

Starting 8 a.m. (EDT) Monday October 25, 2010, Military OneSource career and education counselors will have a much more active role in supporting military spouses. In addition to understanding resources available via DoD’s financial aid support, they will provide support and assistance to identify and gain access to other federal, state, and local programs. All military spouses of active duty service members will be eligible for career counseling and support.

New financial assistance guidelines. With a focus on the original intent of the program, the Defense Department’s financial assistance program will:

  • Be available to spouses of active duty service members in pay grades E1-E5, W1-W2, and O1-O2
  • Offer a maximum financial benefit of $4,000 with a fiscal year cap of $2,000. Waivers will be available for spouses pursuing licensure or certification up to the total maximum assistance of $4,000
  • Require military spouses to finish their program of study within three years from the start date of the first course
  • Be limited to associate degrees, certifications, and licensures

These new guidelines reflect a return to the original purpose of the program – to assist spouses of service members in achieving portable careers. These changes also align the program with responsible fiscal planning by the Defense Department to help sustain the program. Additional program details will be posted on the Military OneSource Web site when they become available. We encourage you to check the site often.

Spouses who currently have an active account will be allowed to request financial assistance until Thursday, October 21, 2010. Beginning September 1, 2010, spouses may request financial assistance for classes that have a start date up to January 15, 2011. To ensure adequate time to plan for courses, no career plans will be accepted after August 31, 2010. All currently approved financial assistance documents will be honored.

Additionally, the review revealed that National Guard and Reserve members must be on active duty for their spouses to receive the MyCAA benefit. Spouses may no longer use the MyCAA benefit when the service member is in an alert or demobilization period. The new eligibility rule takes effect immediately.

The program will be closed from Friday, October 22 to Monday, October 25, 2010, so that we may ensure the infrastructure is in place to implement the new program.

Military spouses are the backbone for military families, displaying strength of character to be admired by this nation. The Department of Defense remains committed to investing in military families, and appreciates the sacrifice of those who also serve.

My favorite part – that last paragraph.  Go ahead read it again.  Then go to the part where they exclude a large portion of us spouses because our spouses ranks are too high.  Gotta tell you, my E6 husband and I aren’t rolling in the dough thats for sure.  A little help to pay for some additional schooling would be nice.

Whatever MyCAA.  Take your program and shove it.

July 20, 2010 at 11:44 am 5 comments

Its Potty Time

I can fully admit that I have been dreading potty training for a long time.  Pretty much since my daughter started crawling.  But its getting to that point where I need to get a little more serious about it.  My daughter will be 3 at the end of October.  Its not just her age that has me thinking its time, because I believe that kids should be potty trained based on how ready they are.  For example, little miss has good bladder control, and can stay dry for a few hours at a time.  She hates having a wet diaper on her and it must, absolutely must be changed immediately.  She has used the toilet before here and there.  And basically she understands that she needs to pee in the toilet.

Here’s what Ive been dreading… the strong as nails will power that little girl has.  She is a damn spitfire.  Most of the time I really love that about her.  But today?  yeah… not so much.  She is only still in diapers because she wants to be.  She prefers peeing in them.  I can put her on a toilet 10 times in 2 hours, and she will stand up from getting her diaper put on, and pee right there still in the bathroom.  I think she is testing me to see how serious I am.

Ive tried the bribe thing.  You can have chocolate if you pee in the toilet.  All that accomplished was her asking for M&M’s all damn day, and pulling her stool to the kitchen counter numerous times to try and climb it.  I dont do stickers, she’s pretty iffy about them too.  I’d gladly give her all the positiver reinforcement I can… if she’d just use the damn thing ONE TIME.

So today, I took drastic measures (well to her).  When we got home from daycare I made her hug her diapers and we put them in the garbage.  (But not really since diapers cost waaay too much money, and I will probably give them to someone if I dont end up needing them.)   But to her, they are gone.  Oh you can bet that she threw a fit about that one.  And then I put her in underpants.  Three pairs of Little Mermaid size 4 panties to be exact.  Thankfully she loves Ariel and was excited to wear them.

But the little shit did the same thing she did yesterday.  Sat on the toilet multiple times and then peed in her underpants right afterwords.  I figured after the first time it might sink in more.  I mean, the panties aren’t absorbent, they are cold and icky.  Nope.  She did it again an hour later.  Then I put a pull-up on her for bed time… yeah peed in that about 30 seconds later.

Effing willpower, Batman.  I know its only been one day.  But I know she totally gets whats going on and is probably having a big ole laugh at mom’s expense…. as Im scrubbing the carpet behind the couch, and the kitchen mat I bought yesterday.  Little shit.

July 12, 2010 at 11:53 pm 1 comment

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