Posts filed under ‘Navy Life’

Moving, maybe ?

So, even though things are still so damn up in the air right now, I have decided to add a few other things to that juggling act.  The biggest thing is that Im seriously considering packing up and moving down to Virginia when D gets stationed back in the States.  This is something that we discussed extensively while we were in the process of getting our divorce, and something that we both take very seriously.  When he left for Japan we had no idea at all what his next set or orders would be, and if that meant he was coming back to the US, or if he would be staying out in the Asian Pacific longer than planned (oh gods we hoped not).  Thankfully he has a set of orders in hand right now, and it looks like late November will be the realistic timeline for him to move back.

The last time we discussed the little one and I relocating was over a year ago, and we kind of left things in a grey area.  I was trying my hardest to move on from our failed relationship and was actually hoping that by now I’d have some reason to stay here.  Not that I actually want to live in Michigan forever, because lets be honest we know I dont.  But that maybe I’d have a person making staying here worth it.  But alas, I also failed at dating (which freaking sucks btw) because I wasnt really over my divorce, and now I find myself in the position that relocating sounds like a it could be a reality.

Of course, there are pros and cons to everything.  Of course the biggest glaring con is that D and I have this weird relationship where we are half best friends, half trying to move past all our past drama.  At this point, we are not getting back together and who knows if that is even an option down the road.  So we would both be living in a new city and not knowing anyone else but each other.  That may make things weird.

Another con is that financially it would be a bit tight, but could be done. I would have to cut back a lot in order to make things feasible.  I hate apartment living, but it may be the way to go if we move to the Fredericksburg area.

I know that I definitely want to move to Virginia Beach though, once he is stationed down there in mid-2015.  I actually like that area a lot.  Though, I met D when he was living there and we spent a lot of time out and about when we were dating there.  Again, that would be weird.  But maybe no more weird than when I first moved back home to MI and started going to all those places we used to go together.  I think Virginia Beach is much easier financially for me.

Anyways, this is all still just a discussion and things are up in the air, but it is something that is weighing heavily on my mind right now. Here’s hoping that we can make things work somehow.


July 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm Leave a comment

Where do we go?

Well, the visit from D has come and gone. With it, there have surfaced a lot of feelings and emotions.

The little one is sad that her daddy is gone again, but at this point I think she is so used to it that she copes well.  I do know whether to be sad or proud.   She is pretty adjusted to life with him gone.  Sure there were a few tears shed in the car on the way back from the airport, but once we got home, she snapped out of it, and said she knew he would be back soon so we shouldnt be too sad.  Oh I love her.

I, personally, am not really sure how to process all of my thoughts and feelings that are left after his trip.  Our relationship has changed now, and its in such a grey area that Im not sure what it is.  All that I know for sure is that him and I have come a very long way in the past few months.  We are divorced, yes.  But there are a lot of unresolved feelings on both sides.  Our relationship has never been easy, but the time and distance from him being sent to Japan made divorce seem like our only option. Now that we have been separated for so long I think that we both have stepped back a bit to reevaluate ourselves and our feelings.  With that said, there is still a lot of hurt on both sides as well. And whether or not that is something we could ever over come is something fresh in our minds.  I guess its simpler for me than him; I know I care, and I am willing to see if things could be different.  Him?  He’s still in Japan for 4 more months and said he’s not sure he’s willing to go down that road now, if at all.  Which I totally understand.  But at the same time, when he was here we actually got the chance to just hang out as a family, and to enjoy each other a bit.  His last visit at Christmas, we barely talked to each other.  This time we are sleeping in the same bed and going to the movies. Definitely quite the change.  So, that leaves me confused. And kind of unsure how to act towards him.  We arent together, he made that clear.  But then we still spent a couple more nights together after that conversation.  We are free to do whatever we want still I guess.  But now, I guess I feel dating or seeing anyone else really isnt an option.  I dont know that I can go back to just sending him pictures of the kiddo and saying Hi, how are you? every few days.  But I guess I will have to figure that all out.

With that said, I start another chapter in this crazy life of mine.

July 22, 2013 at 6:22 am Leave a comment

Two Months

Its been two months since we’ve filed for divorce. Well,technically I filed for divorce.  But since its amicable, we did the process together.  Since then, Ive been in a weird state.  Im not exactly single, and not exactly married.  What am I?

D is still in town for another few weeks before he leaves for Japan for two years.  He is staying with friends, but does visit with us and has even spent the night a few times.  So far things have been going pretty well.  But I am nervous about what it will be like when he is actually gone.  What will happen when one or both of us moves on?  We are in the fuzzy grey area and in this holding pattern out of respect for each other and for the sake of our daughter.  And as crazy as it sounds, I am glad to have him around.  And that we are still friendly enough to text each other about our inside jokes or how our day has been.  But those days are numbered and pretty soon, I won’t just have lost a husband… I will have lost a friend too.  Honestly, I think that sounds worse.  I’ve come to accept the fact that our marriage wasn’t going to work.  But the friendship underneath it is something I still do cherish.

I guess only time will tell how it all will play out.  Until then, I am just going to continue to how with the flow.  But damn, it makes me sad.

December 8, 2011 at 7:35 am 2 comments

My husband and I are working on things.  I am trying to work on myself mostly.  The constant back in forth in my mind is just exhausting.  90% of the time I have no idea what it want.  And it really makes me feel like a terrible person.  He pushed me and pushed me, and I finally said the words that I didnt want to do this anymore.  That I didnt want to be with him anymore.  At the time I was angry and annoyed and he wouldnt give up the argument with out an answer.  I know that wasnt the one he wanted to hear, and I wasnt sure if it was what I wanted to say either.  But after a lot of talking about it we decided to give it another shot.

I know he loves me.  But we have some serious issues to work out.  He’s finally going and talking to someone about his issues.  And I have an appointment for the same.  I also know how badly he wants us to work out.  And I promised I would give it another shot, and I will.

We’ve both changed so much in the past two years, and we are pretty much different people.  Do these new people have what it takes to make it?

October 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm 7 comments

Down and Dirty

Well, Im not one to air dirty laundry so pardon me if this post is vague.  But I need to be honest, and I need to get it out….

Im having a hard time.

My husband and I are having a very hard time.

Im not sure if I am going to be able to live this lifestyle.

Im not sure if my marriage will survive.

The words divorce have been said.

Im terrified, but Im not really sure for which reason.

All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are.

My heart hurts.

Its mostly my fault.

I dont want to be a statistic.

I dont want my daughter to end up suffering because of me.

September 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm 10 comments

Dance In The Dark

Well we have been here for just under 6 weeks now, and D has been gone for 3 of them.  But I find myself in an unusual spot.  I am liking it here more and more, yet missing home more and more.  I feel like Im cheating on Michigan if I like it here.  It is so different.  The people are different, the trees are different, the sun is different (HELLO sunburn after an hour with an overcast sky), the weather is totally different.  But different doesnt equal bad here.

But I may be the only person in California getting wine shipped to them from Michigan.  Really… I just may be.  But you know what?  Michigan wines are Fan-Tastic.

My daughter has been sick pretty much since my  husband left.  Its the damn daycare and the nasty germ factories that go there.  If you didnt know, and I may have even mentioned in my last post… kids are gross.  And Little Miss booger face is turning me into a germophobe.  Ive always had a thing where I wash my hands about 20 times a day.  But now, its more like 50.  And I dont want to turn my daughter into a hand washing freak, but she thinks her hand / forearm is a tissue.  Yeah… thats just nasty kid.  I can deal with most bodily functions.  But the boogers, snot, etc.  That crap gets to me.  As you can see.

In good news, I met a few people and they seem pretty cool.  But I did have a bad day where I was just damn lonely and bitchy and I  made the mistake of telling my husband while we were on the phone.  While crying.  While he was also having a bad day.  Yeah… that wasnt so great.  But the next day was much better, and I was glad I got that all out.  I can move on from it and get over it.  So maybe when the snot plague is done at our house we can actually go out and see these new friends that we have made.  Because that would be nice.

And one other thing… because this post isnt long enough.  Working from home is fantastic.  But you know, it does have a down side.  Especially if you are living in a place that is unfamiliar, where you dont know many people.  And if you and your daughter have been sick.  You spend too much time indoors; in the same place, looking at the same walls.  At first, I was kind of depressed about it, and just staying inside made it worse.  But its easy to do since it has my stuff in it and it feels comfortable.  but after my little breakdown last weekI have promised myself that I will get out more.  I will meet more people, and actually see the ones that I already know.

Im sure you all feel smarter for reading this 😉

July 7, 2010 at 9:30 pm 3 comments

When are you "allowed" to miss someone?

Yesterday I had a bad day. A really bad day. Mostly because my daughter was being a little hellion, but also in part because I miss my husband. I woke up with yet another headache, still tired and wondering what the day had in store. The first hour or so was normal, but then my daughter must have decided that it was No day. As in anything I wanted her to do was – No. Or “NO, I don’t want to!” Or, “Leave me alone!” Or “Mommy, be quiet!” Okay fine she is a 2 year old, its part of the age. I totally get that. But after an entire day of the screaming, and the not eating, and the tantrums, and the whining for anything and everything… it started to wear on my nerves. Then bedtime was pure hell. An hour and a half of screaming bloody murder and crying because she just didn’t want to go to bed… I just needed a break. Just a few minutes to sit in some peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and recharge. This is where the missing the husband thing comes in. He is so great at taking over when I need it. We share all the responsibilities of taking care of the house and baby when he is home. Now its all on me. Which is fine, I have known for a long time that lifestyle was coming… but it really is hard to do it on your own when every step of the way you’ve had help.

Now Im sure there are some of you reading this an rolling your eyes telling me to get a grip. I can appreciate that my situation is by no means terrible. But here is something I just have to say… I am done feeling guilty about missing my husband. Everyone’s situation is different. And right now I am on the early side of things. My husband just left for the first time in years, and I feel like there is this big cloud hanging over me… its all the missing and the separation, and the unknowns of the future that are causing me anxiety. That this is only the beginning… that we signed up for five damn years on a ship. I am not just missing my husband, I am anticipatorily missing him as well… for all the times he will be gone in the future too.

Is it fair to say that since he won’t be gone a year, or 18 months or because in this moment he isn’t in a dangerous place that I am not allowed to miss him? I have been beating myself up over this because I have friends who’s loved ones have been gone all year. Because my brother in law is deploying in a few weeks. I have told myself over and over to just suck it up, that he’s only 10 hours away. That its only 4 months. That I can talk to him on the phone each night. But all of that doesn’t change that he is away from me and my daughter right now. That she asks to see him and talk to him about 50 times a day. That she hugs and kisses his picture, and has started wearing my locket with our picture in it telling me – mommy & daddy are in there! That breaks my heart. Because she doesn’t fully understand what is going on. She doesn’t have a concept of time, but she misses him regardless because he isn’t there. It’s a constant reminder of what he is missing, and who she is missing.  And it makes it that much harder.

And as my husband so wonderfully reminded me last night – “its only been a little over a week, what are you going to do when it’s a deployment?” Right, I understand what he is saying. But doesn’t it make sense that the first week or two are the hardest? That is the time where you have to get into your own routine of doing things by yourself. That you have to get used to not having them there. That for me is the hardest part. Im sure in another week I will be able to say – pshh… I got this! And things will just flow and I will be fine, and my daughter will adjust to having just me home.  And down the road when he is doing workups or underways, that It will be easier on me because by then I will have the hang of it.

But also  let me add, that I think there are different degrees of missing someone too. Its not like ‘Ive been sitting on my couch crying my eyes out drinking wine until I cant walk, wondering how the time will ever seem to pass. Because the reality is that our situation isn’t that bad. But do I miss him helping with the dishes, and giving the baby a bath, and helping to fold laundry, and cuddling on the couch after Baby Girl has gone to bed? I sure as hell do.  And you know what, if I didn’t… that I think that would be problem. 

I married my husband because I love him, and want to spend my life with him. So I am done feeling guilty about wanting him home with me. I am done telling myself that because my situation isn’t as bad as another person’s, that I am not allowed to feel that way. Because at the end of the day, there is always someone somewhere that has it worse than all of us.

January 18, 2010 at 10:15 am 10 comments

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"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." - Maya Angelou

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