Posts filed under ‘Navy Wife’

Happy New Year and all that jazz…

Well I made it to 2011.  I’d say its quite a feat after the 2010 that I had.  Some days I was worried about dropping into a stress induced coma, or getting sent to an insitiution for attacking someone in a fit of rage / mental breakdown, or packing up my shit to go live in a tent on the beach.  But thankfully, none of it happened.  However, my job morphed into a different position, and something I hate.  Im still on the waitlist for about 5 classes and registered for none.  And my wallet is usually more empty than full.  But Im alive.  And healthy.  And my family is in one piece.  So I definitely have things to be thankful for.  And right this minute, I am doing alright.

Baby Girl decided one day that she was potty trained and ever since that second, she has not worn one pull-up or diaper.  It was Thanksgiving morning to be exact.  She came out and said – Mommy, Daddy, I have to go potty.  Then she went.  And continued to use the toilet all day.  And the next day.  And a  month later, no setbacks.  She is fully potty trained.  She is dry all night too.  To me, that just proves she was being a stubborn shit for most of last year 😉  She used the potty here and there, but she didnt want to give up her pull-ups.  But one day, she had enough being stubborn and was done with it.   Ahh, like mother like daughter I guess.

And with the New Year, most people are busy making resolutions and saying – this will be the best year ever.  But I cant do that this year.  Because my husband will be deploying a matter of weeks and will be gone most of the year.  Not that I am reliant upon my husband to be happy… but without him it will be another lonely year.  Another year being a single parent.  And another year where many challenges lie ahead.

But I do resolve to try and make the most of it.  Im still hoping I can register for some classes (fingers crossed!!!), maybe start doing yoga, get baby girl in some sort of class herself too.  I vow to get outdoors more this summer and play with my daughter more when we are indoors.  I want to read as many books as I can without being a neglectful mother.  And I want to get some muscle tone in my arms (and abs).  But none of those are resolutions for the new year.  They are just things that I think will help me be a happier me in 2011.

And here’s to you, dear bloggy friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

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January 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm 4 comments

My husband and I are working on things.  I am trying to work on myself mostly.  The constant back in forth in my mind is just exhausting.  90% of the time I have no idea what it want.  And it really makes me feel like a terrible person.  He pushed me and pushed me, and I finally said the words that I didnt want to do this anymore.  That I didnt want to be with him anymore.  At the time I was angry and annoyed and he wouldnt give up the argument with out an answer.  I know that wasnt the one he wanted to hear, and I wasnt sure if it was what I wanted to say either.  But after a lot of talking about it we decided to give it another shot.

I know he loves me.  But we have some serious issues to work out.  He’s finally going and talking to someone about his issues.  And I have an appointment for the same.  I also know how badly he wants us to work out.  And I promised I would give it another shot, and I will.

We’ve both changed so much in the past two years, and we are pretty much different people.  Do these new people have what it takes to make it?

October 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm 7 comments

Down and Dirty

Well, Im not one to air dirty laundry so pardon me if this post is vague.  But I need to be honest, and I need to get it out….

Im having a hard time.

My husband and I are having a very hard time.

Im not sure if I am going to be able to live this lifestyle.

Im not sure if my marriage will survive.

The words divorce have been said.

Im terrified, but Im not really sure for which reason.

All I know is that things cannot continue the way they are.

My heart hurts.

Its mostly my fault.

I dont want to be a statistic.

I dont want my daughter to end up suffering because of me.

September 8, 2010 at 8:12 pm 10 comments

Pass the Xanax

As you may know, my husband and I recently moved across the country  for his sea duty rotation.  Before he could report to the ship he had to go to training in Virginia for 5 months.  Thankfully we did get to talk on the phone each night and had a few weekends where we got to meet up for a night or two to see each other.  I considered this our breaking in period for sea duty.  I guess, Im glad we got to ease back into it.

Right now my husband is underway.  He has been gone since 2 weeks after we moved here.  And now that he is gearing up to be home soon… I find myself in that weird place.  The anxious place right before your reunite with your spouse after a long separation.  Now, he wasnt on a deployment or anything… but I figured out that we have only seen each other 48 days out of the 214 days this year (sporadically).  It feels like he has been gone all year.  Well because for the most part he was.  And when we were together right before this underway?  Was spent getting ready to move, moving, and unpacking.  So we werent very warm & fuzzy due to all the stress.

I find myself very anxious about his return.  I cannot wait to see him and hug him… but then what?  Will it be the same?  Ive been living in a new city for a few months without him.  Im afraid he will think he’s not needed around anymore.  I worry that he will think Im different, and that he will be sad that Baby Girl has gotten so big. But time cannot stand still while he is gone.  We have to live our lives without him if he’s gone.  And of course we miss him.

I find myself thinking about the next 10 years.  And the fact that with this PCS and re-enlistment my husband decided to be a lifer.  And that means this is my life as well.  Time apart, worry, anxiety.  I find myself worrying that one day I will crack under the pressure of it all.  That I wont be strong enough, and that I will have failed my marriage.  Im looking down this long tunnel and I cant even see the light at the end yet.  I suppose that every MilSpouse thinks that at one point.  Tell me thats normal.  Please?

Okay, I know thats pretty heavy.  Right now, Im doing alright…. just missing my husband and feeling anxious about his return.  I love him very much.  Im just hoping that we can settle back into things and be just as happy as we were before we left Michigan and recruiting.  Because it took us a while, but we had found our groove there.  Things were fantastic.  Life was just good.

I think Im too scattered for this to even make sense.  Im just going to breathe and take it one day at a time.

August 2, 2010 at 12:24 pm 5 comments

When are you "allowed" to miss someone?

Yesterday I had a bad day. A really bad day. Mostly because my daughter was being a little hellion, but also in part because I miss my husband. I woke up with yet another headache, still tired and wondering what the day had in store. The first hour or so was normal, but then my daughter must have decided that it was No day. As in anything I wanted her to do was – No. Or “NO, I don’t want to!” Or, “Leave me alone!” Or “Mommy, be quiet!” Okay fine she is a 2 year old, its part of the age. I totally get that. But after an entire day of the screaming, and the not eating, and the tantrums, and the whining for anything and everything… it started to wear on my nerves. Then bedtime was pure hell. An hour and a half of screaming bloody murder and crying because she just didn’t want to go to bed… I just needed a break. Just a few minutes to sit in some peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and recharge. This is where the missing the husband thing comes in. He is so great at taking over when I need it. We share all the responsibilities of taking care of the house and baby when he is home. Now its all on me. Which is fine, I have known for a long time that lifestyle was coming… but it really is hard to do it on your own when every step of the way you’ve had help.

Now Im sure there are some of you reading this an rolling your eyes telling me to get a grip. I can appreciate that my situation is by no means terrible. But here is something I just have to say… I am done feeling guilty about missing my husband. Everyone’s situation is different. And right now I am on the early side of things. My husband just left for the first time in years, and I feel like there is this big cloud hanging over me… its all the missing and the separation, and the unknowns of the future that are causing me anxiety. That this is only the beginning… that we signed up for five damn years on a ship. I am not just missing my husband, I am anticipatorily missing him as well… for all the times he will be gone in the future too.

Is it fair to say that since he won’t be gone a year, or 18 months or because in this moment he isn’t in a dangerous place that I am not allowed to miss him? I have been beating myself up over this because I have friends who’s loved ones have been gone all year. Because my brother in law is deploying in a few weeks. I have told myself over and over to just suck it up, that he’s only 10 hours away. That its only 4 months. That I can talk to him on the phone each night. But all of that doesn’t change that he is away from me and my daughter right now. That she asks to see him and talk to him about 50 times a day. That she hugs and kisses his picture, and has started wearing my locket with our picture in it telling me – mommy & daddy are in there! That breaks my heart. Because she doesn’t fully understand what is going on. She doesn’t have a concept of time, but she misses him regardless because he isn’t there. It’s a constant reminder of what he is missing, and who she is missing.  And it makes it that much harder.

And as my husband so wonderfully reminded me last night – “its only been a little over a week, what are you going to do when it’s a deployment?” Right, I understand what he is saying. But doesn’t it make sense that the first week or two are the hardest? That is the time where you have to get into your own routine of doing things by yourself. That you have to get used to not having them there. That for me is the hardest part. Im sure in another week I will be able to say – pshh… I got this! And things will just flow and I will be fine, and my daughter will adjust to having just me home.  And down the road when he is doing workups or underways, that It will be easier on me because by then I will have the hang of it.

But also  let me add, that I think there are different degrees of missing someone too. Its not like ‘Ive been sitting on my couch crying my eyes out drinking wine until I cant walk, wondering how the time will ever seem to pass. Because the reality is that our situation isn’t that bad. But do I miss him helping with the dishes, and giving the baby a bath, and helping to fold laundry, and cuddling on the couch after Baby Girl has gone to bed? I sure as hell do.  And you know what, if I didn’t… that I think that would be problem. 

I married my husband because I love him, and want to spend my life with him. So I am done feeling guilty about wanting him home with me. I am done telling myself that because my situation isn’t as bad as another person’s, that I am not allowed to feel that way. Because at the end of the day, there is always someone somewhere that has it worse than all of us.

January 18, 2010 at 10:15 am 10 comments

Of Windows & Wonder

Well… I started working in the office for my new job.  That was the original game plan.  Start out in the office, get up to speed and then transition to working from home when I go to San Diego.  I guess they were letting some people go, so they had me and another girl start at home and start in the office on Monday.  I was surprised when I got there and I was shown to an office!  I thought I was going to be working in the other side of the office suite in a cubicle.  But hooray, I have an office for the time being.  And there are windows!  That is awesome.  It does help the mood to get up for a stretch for a minute and take a look out the window.  I know Im only two days into working into the office, but so far so good.  Most everyone seems pretty nice and helpful.  Im a little skeptical of a few people, but Ill only be around for a few months, so Im not sweating it 🙂

In other news, D went downtown and officially checked out of recruiting.  He had a meeting with the CO and a few other people.  I guess they had nothing but good things to say about him.  We also found out a few weeks ago, that iout of  the whole district, he got the best Eval score of any E6.  And his personal best Eval score.  I am very proud of him.  We are really hoping that when he is up for Chief next year, that it reflects how well he has done here recruiting and it helps his chances of making it the first time around.  *fingers crossed*

Anyways, so since he has checked out that means we are starting off the next phase of the Navy life adventure.  He is packing up right now, and he heads out on Friday.  He starts school in Virginia next Monday.  He will be there until the first week in May.  So its not tragic or anything.  But we have been here under this roof for 3 solid years.  And man we are so lucky that we can say that.  But maybe we got a little soft.  We have forgotten what it is like to spend the majority of our lives apart.  What its like to be living together through our phones, emails, pictures and weekend trips. Thankfully we get the chance to ease into it a little.  He will only be 10 hours away.  So we can both pack up and meet somewhere in the middle for a few days.  We can see each other as much as his schedule will allow. 

So, needless to say I am pretty sad that D is leaving.  For the first time, we will be apart and I will be handling all the parenting by myself.  I know I can handle it.  But I have caught myself building up the anxiety in my head.  It has been such a long time since we have been in this position that Ive had a hard time not comparing it to a deployment.  I know they are different, but I find myself having similar emotional reactions.  Fighting back tears when I think about attending functions by myself.  How bath duty for Baby Girl is all on me.  Why am I doing this?  I have no idea.  I know its not that big of a deal.  I need to snap out of it.  I need to remain positive, and hopefully the time flies.

Anyways, enough rambling for tonight.

January 5, 2010 at 11:10 pm 7 comments

Blame it on the Pain

I was not having a good day yesterday.  I was in a terrible mood and having lots of pains so my reaction to the news about the orders flipped me over the edge.  Now that the paperwork is done and sent to approval, I am a little more calm today.  However, they only review this stuff one week per month so we have to wait until the first week in December to get the approval and then the orders.  He was supposed to detach from recruiting in December… so we better get them then.  Or I might actually blow a gasket.

Over reaction or not, someone did not do their job properly.  That is what I am the most upset about.  Thankfully  my husband has more diligence to follow up on this stuff.  I feel bad for the others that may have fallen through the cracks and didnt realize until it was too late.  My husband keeps reassuring me that the orders should be fine, and that he is locked in.  But I will not stop worrying about them until they are in our possession.

I would like the stress from all of this to be over, and for us to be living in the sunshine.  That will be nice. 

But from now until the first week of December, it will be more of the same… wait wait wait.  Ugh.

November 10, 2009 at 11:39 am Leave a comment

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