Posts filed under ‘Work’

Moving Again & Anxiety

There are a lot of things in my life right now that are up in the air, and it is making me sick with anxiety.  I am a naturally anxious person, so I try to keep the drama, hectic-ness, and worrying in my life to a minimum.  Easier said that done most times.  As of right now my life is facing a crossroads of sorts where things can really go a couple different ways, and all of them are as different from each other as can possibly be.  Im nervous and scared that I will make the wrong choice (again).  Worrying that things wont end up working out the way I want them to, once I make a choice (again).

I am a divorced single mother of a soon to be 6 year old.  I almost dont even know how that happened.  How did things get so off track that I ended up here?  I sometimes think about it and laugh, because surely this must be a dream that I will wake up from and get a chance to go back to that turning point in my life and make the other choice with my new found wisdom and maturity.  But that only happens in Nicolas Cage movies, right?

My ex will be back in the States and living in Virginia for a couple of years.  First for school in Dahlgren, then down to VA Beach for a couple years.  I have a job that allows me to telecommute, so living anywhere is a possibility.  The idea of moving down to Virginia has been something I’ve been stewing over for months now.  Going back and forth and debating with myself if this would be a good move.  Should I just jump in head first and see what happens?  Start fresh in a new city and make new friends.  Live in and explore other parts of the country that I have only had a chance to visit temporarily?  That sounds nice.  But moving away from my (limited) support system will be difficult.  Even though my family is here, there are only a couple of people that are present in my life in a real way.  But they do help me the best they can, and provide that love and support I need to push through.  But if we are close enough to the little one’s father, then he will be able to help out and share the parenting responsibilities.  I wouldnt be constantly looking for a sitter, and relying on people to help me out if he is closer.

But along with that move would come loneliness.  Even more so than what I have now.  I would essentially be in a new city all alone, with my ex being the only other person I know.  While we are friendly now, I am genuinely worried about what our relationship dynamic will be when we are living in the same city again.  It is one of the biggest things going on right now that is causing me anxiety.  The move has the potential to bring us closer, and possibly address and realize those lingering feelings for each other are still alive.  Or living closer to each other when one of us moves on has the ability to crumble that friendly nature we have with each other, and have us living as true exes.  That dont like each other.  And I hate that thought.  Though to be fair, if we stayed put in MI, and he was in Virginia either of those outcomes are still a very real possibility.

It may seem like moving isnt the right choice.  But along with it being good for Miss A and her dad, it also has the potential to be really great for me career wise.  We are planning and strategizing at work for the next year and making changes to how we will be handling the client I am currently working on.  We need someone in NoVA and near Delaware (well closer than Michigan), and me moving seems to fit the bill.  My boss did say a couple weeks ago, that he would be thrilled if I moved there.  Just waiting for the plans to be put in place, and really hoping that it somehow doesnt end up changing on me.

Trying to remain focused on taking care of myself and my daughter right now, and not constantly thinking about and worrying about what will happen in the future.  Whatever will happen wont be picture perfect I am sure.  And if I only have control over a small part of it, then I need to do what I can to accept that.  My emotions tend to run away with me, and I am really working my hardest to reign them in, and trying to remember to just breathe.


October 17, 2013 at 6:44 am Leave a comment

I’ve started a couple of blog posts recently, but then I realize how personal I will get and I just stop myself in my tracks.  the things that have been on the forefront of my mind lately are deep and sort of overwhelming and I feel like maybe I should get a journal for that kind of stuff.  But despite what therapists say, Im one of those people that I feel like I actually get my feelings out better through typing, rather than hand writing.

Ive been feeling so out of sorts lately.  Not like myself at all.  Not quite depressed, but more like disjointed and distant from my own feelings and myself.  As a rational person, I think this is a defense mechanism that Ive put in place to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection.  But even realizing that doesnt help me to overcome it.  I feel empty. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  Compared to a lot of people, my life isnt that bad.

So, what is my deal?  A lot of things really.  Work has become extremely stressful.  Im working about 10-12 hours a day.   Constantly dealing with some crisis or other.  Processing 500-800 emails a day.  Working my ass off and never able to catch up.  Im like hamster on that freaking wheel just running as fast as I can and getting nowhere.  Its exhausting.

My daughter has been having behavioral issues all year in school. She shows many markers for ADHD (which her father has), and she is quite defiant.  And she is overly emotional.  She misses her father and doesnt know how to deal with her feelings.  She is 5 after all. We may have gotten some good news that D may get stationed back in the US for a while at the end of this year.  Its not set in stone yet, but after this hellish time that we have had the past two years, having him 10 hours away seems like a cake walk. (Im sure it wont be, but you know…. the grass is always greener….)

Adding to that is the fact that there are still some unresolved feelings that have been lingering for almost two years now. Its tough to deal with sometimes. But Im trying my best. And doing what I can to make life great for my daughter.  The love that I have for her is truly what matters most.

May 6, 2013 at 7:33 am Leave a comment

Insert Witty Title Here

Work has been insanely busy.  I actually dont even have enough time to write this post, but Im doing it anyway and justifying it as a mental break so I dont go nuts.  The company I work for wasnt hit hard when the economy tanked since its a staffing company (for IT / professional jobs mostly).  So when those big companies had “hiring freezes” they got around them by using services that companies like us offer… contract workers.   Win win.  Now with things picking back up we are getting even more busy.  Which is awesome (sort of)… but there are a lot of growing pains.  Lots of micro-managing.  Lots of overlapping work.  Lots of tedious following up on work visas and paperwork.  Blah.  Im thankful I have a job… for sure.  But Im a little stressed from it.  Im doing much better and leaving my work stress at work though and not brining it into my home life.  Cuz we have enough stress there as it is.

The big move across town is next week and its starting to feel real.  I got the utilities all set up at the new place, cable transferred over, and the cleaning service set up for here.  The place we are in now hasnt been rented out yet and that is pissing me off.  They will allow us to break the lease only if they can get new renters in here by April 1st.  But the fuckers arent even trying very hard to get someone in here.  I showed the place off twice and that was like two weeks ago.  Nothing since.  You would think with 5 weeks notice in the competitive San Diego rental market they would be able to find new renters.  We live in a desirable part of town in a nice condo building.  Well it might have something to do with fact that the one and only listing of this place has it listed as 1,100 Sq Ft and with 2 parking spaces.  People are a little put off when they come in here and its a small 2 bedroom condo of maybe 900 Sq Ft. Maybe. Oh, and there is only 1 parking spot.  We found that out the day we moved in.  Not cool.  Ive taken the initiative to put up ads for the place myself.  Im being honest but also highlighting the positives.  I think a couple with no kids would love this place.  But thats just me.  We need a damn backyard.  Im sick of walking my dog 4 times a day and my hyper 3 year old needs a backyard to be hyper and run around in.  So we shall see what happens.  We will NOT be happy with paying rent for 2 places next month.  I will kick some ass.

On a happier note… a friend of mine and her fiance and 3 year old daughter are coming to visit this weekend.  They are up at Disneyland for the next couple of days and will be staying with us for a few days over the weekend.  Ive known this friend since I was in 7th grade.  I spent every weekend at her house for about 3-4 years.  I miss how close we used to be when were young teenagers.  But Im glad she gets to come out and visit Cali.  Too bad we arent already moved in to the bigger place lol.  OH well, the beautiful shoebox will have to do.  We plan on hitting up the zoo and Sea World while they are here.  Just hoping that the weather cooperates.  They are forecasting chilly / rainy weather this weekend, which is not characteristic for San Diego, so lets hope that changes.

Well… work calls.  Unfortunately I have to get back to the grind.  And I might need a little more coffee.

March 16, 2011 at 8:42 am Leave a comment

Happy New Year and all that jazz…

Well I made it to 2011.  I’d say its quite a feat after the 2010 that I had.  Some days I was worried about dropping into a stress induced coma, or getting sent to an insitiution for attacking someone in a fit of rage / mental breakdown, or packing up my shit to go live in a tent on the beach.  But thankfully, none of it happened.  However, my job morphed into a different position, and something I hate.  Im still on the waitlist for about 5 classes and registered for none.  And my wallet is usually more empty than full.  But Im alive.  And healthy.  And my family is in one piece.  So I definitely have things to be thankful for.  And right this minute, I am doing alright.

Baby Girl decided one day that she was potty trained and ever since that second, she has not worn one pull-up or diaper.  It was Thanksgiving morning to be exact.  She came out and said – Mommy, Daddy, I have to go potty.  Then she went.  And continued to use the toilet all day.  And the next day.  And a  month later, no setbacks.  She is fully potty trained.  She is dry all night too.  To me, that just proves she was being a stubborn shit for most of last year 😉  She used the potty here and there, but she didnt want to give up her pull-ups.  But one day, she had enough being stubborn and was done with it.   Ahh, like mother like daughter I guess.

And with the New Year, most people are busy making resolutions and saying – this will be the best year ever.  But I cant do that this year.  Because my husband will be deploying a matter of weeks and will be gone most of the year.  Not that I am reliant upon my husband to be happy… but without him it will be another lonely year.  Another year being a single parent.  And another year where many challenges lie ahead.

But I do resolve to try and make the most of it.  Im still hoping I can register for some classes (fingers crossed!!!), maybe start doing yoga, get baby girl in some sort of class herself too.  I vow to get outdoors more this summer and play with my daughter more when we are indoors.  I want to read as many books as I can without being a neglectful mother.  And I want to get some muscle tone in my arms (and abs).  But none of those are resolutions for the new year.  They are just things that I think will help me be a happier me in 2011.

And here’s to you, dear bloggy friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

January 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm 4 comments

Dance In The Dark

Well we have been here for just under 6 weeks now, and D has been gone for 3 of them.  But I find myself in an unusual spot.  I am liking it here more and more, yet missing home more and more.  I feel like Im cheating on Michigan if I like it here.  It is so different.  The people are different, the trees are different, the sun is different (HELLO sunburn after an hour with an overcast sky), the weather is totally different.  But different doesnt equal bad here.

But I may be the only person in California getting wine shipped to them from Michigan.  Really… I just may be.  But you know what?  Michigan wines are Fan-Tastic.

My daughter has been sick pretty much since my  husband left.  Its the damn daycare and the nasty germ factories that go there.  If you didnt know, and I may have even mentioned in my last post… kids are gross.  And Little Miss booger face is turning me into a germophobe.  Ive always had a thing where I wash my hands about 20 times a day.  But now, its more like 50.  And I dont want to turn my daughter into a hand washing freak, but she thinks her hand / forearm is a tissue.  Yeah… thats just nasty kid.  I can deal with most bodily functions.  But the boogers, snot, etc.  That crap gets to me.  As you can see.

In good news, I met a few people and they seem pretty cool.  But I did have a bad day where I was just damn lonely and bitchy and I  made the mistake of telling my husband while we were on the phone.  While crying.  While he was also having a bad day.  Yeah… that wasnt so great.  But the next day was much better, and I was glad I got that all out.  I can move on from it and get over it.  So maybe when the snot plague is done at our house we can actually go out and see these new friends that we have made.  Because that would be nice.

And one other thing… because this post isnt long enough.  Working from home is fantastic.  But you know, it does have a down side.  Especially if you are living in a place that is unfamiliar, where you dont know many people.  And if you and your daughter have been sick.  You spend too much time indoors; in the same place, looking at the same walls.  At first, I was kind of depressed about it, and just staying inside made it worse.  But its easy to do since it has my stuff in it and it feels comfortable.  but after my little breakdown last weekI have promised myself that I will get out more.  I will meet more people, and actually see the ones that I already know.

Im sure you all feel smarter for reading this 😉

July 7, 2010 at 9:30 pm 3 comments

Oh Really??? I do still have a blog?

Something happened, and somehow my blog got neglected.  Oh wait… I know that it is – work.  I’m actually doing a full day’s worth of work at my new job, and therefore not really able to surf the web like I used.  And by not really, I mean not at all.  Some days I’ve been lucky to help my husband in the search for a place to live when we move.  While its nice to have a bunch of stuff to do, I really do miss on my online friends.  Im on twitter or facebook here and there, so I dont feel completely isolated.  But I am not complaining at all, I am liking my new job and things are going well.

We did manage to find a place in San Diego, a very nice condo downtown like we wanted.  SQEEEE!!!  I am very excited about it.  The move is less than 5 weeks away.  Cram – my husband coming home in a week, a garage sale, a farewell BBQ, a vacation to Florida and a cross-country drive with a 2 year old, dog, cat & 2 turtles… well… lets just say we have quite the month ahead of us.  But I am very excited about all of it.

The reality of moving is starting to hit me.  Last week I was grocery shopping and I picked up and put back about 10 things that I wouldnt finish in the next month.  It was an odd realization actually.  I have never lived outside of a 15 mile radius!  This is going to be quite the adventure.

Other than that things have been pretty good and uneventful.  We are missing my hubby, but that is nothing new.  My daughter is growing like a weed and says the funniest things.  I swear I dont know where she gets half the things she says.  I bought a tempur-pedic pillow and it is heavenly.  I am trying to talk my husband into getting an actual tempur-pedic bed.  Michigan is waking up from the winter slumber.  Grass is green, flowers are blooming and trees are getting their leaves again.  One of my favorite parts of the year.  🙂

Well I have to go put little miss I no longer like pants to bed.  I hope everyone is doing well!

April 28, 2010 at 8:02 pm 2 comments

Busy, Busy and More Busy…

Well things have been pretty busy lately.  Work has really picked up for me a lot and I like it.  This week was just insane though.  I was covering for someone that was out of the office Wed- Fri, and let me say that I am glad she will be back on Monday.  Lots to do.  Ive worked everyday when I got home this week.  I do feel like I am really contributing, so that is definitely a positive.

In other news, we move in just 3 short months.  I am getting exciting and sad.  Some of the urgency is starting to show up.  I feel like I need to make more of an effort to see people and visit even if I dont feel like it.  Like I owe it to them.  And I probably do.

We need to find a place to stay in San Diego still.  However, we cant realistically look for a place that will still be available in June.  We have a good idea of where we want to move, so just keeping an eye on whats opening and all that jazz.  Ill be exciting to finally call on place and get the real scoop.

My daughter is most definitely a  2 year old.  One day she loves me… the next its only tantrums and yelling (from her…. well mostly, ha ha).  But for the most part things are going alright.  Im doing a lot better at just remembering that its the age, and to remain calm.  That patience thing… its coming.

Im doing alright without the hubbs most of the time.  Although I do have my  moments / days when I find myself bitter and bitchy about him being gone on what really seems a lot like a vacation sometimes.  Its mostly when Im stressed at work, and my daughter and I are having a moment (or a day).  I find myself annoyed and angry that he isnt here to help me out.  And the thing is… even at the time I know its irrational and unfair for me to think those things.  But I cant help it.  He’s playing video games drinking beer and Im at home doing everything.  And then I snap back to reality and move on.  But still… it does happen.

In other good news, we are going to meet up with the hubbs again very soon.  We’ve already booked a room and made all the arrangements.  Im excited 🙂

Im hoping this weekend I can just relax and recharge a bit.  I really need to relax.  All the busyness has left me a little worn out.

I hope everyone is doing well!

PS – Spring… you can arrive anytime.  March starts Monday 😉

February 26, 2010 at 8:38 pm 6 comments

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