Moving Again & Anxiety

There are a lot of things in my life right now that are up in the air, and it is making me sick with anxiety.  I am a naturally anxious person, so I try to keep the drama, hectic-ness, and worrying in my life to a minimum.  Easier said that done most times.  As of right now my life is facing a crossroads of sorts where things can really go a couple different ways, and all of them are as different from each other as can possibly be.  Im nervous and scared that I will make the wrong choice (again).  Worrying that things wont end up working out the way I want them to, once I make a choice (again).

I am a divorced single mother of a soon to be 6 year old.  I almost dont even know how that happened.  How did things get so off track that I ended up here?  I sometimes think about it and laugh, because surely this must be a dream that I will wake up from and get a chance to go back to that turning point in my life and make the other choice with my new found wisdom and maturity.  But that only happens in Nicolas Cage movies, right?

My ex will be back in the States and living in Virginia for a couple of years.  First for school in Dahlgren, then down to VA Beach for a couple years.  I have a job that allows me to telecommute, so living anywhere is a possibility.  The idea of moving down to Virginia has been something I’ve been stewing over for months now.  Going back and forth and debating with myself if this would be a good move.  Should I just jump in head first and see what happens?  Start fresh in a new city and make new friends.  Live in and explore other parts of the country that I have only had a chance to visit temporarily?  That sounds nice.  But moving away from my (limited) support system will be difficult.  Even though my family is here, there are only a couple of people that are present in my life in a real way.  But they do help me the best they can, and provide that love and support I need to push through.  But if we are close enough to the little one’s father, then he will be able to help out and share the parenting responsibilities.  I wouldnt be constantly looking for a sitter, and relying on people to help me out if he is closer.

But along with that move would come loneliness.  Even more so than what I have now.  I would essentially be in a new city all alone, with my ex being the only other person I know.  While we are friendly now, I am genuinely worried about what our relationship dynamic will be when we are living in the same city again.  It is one of the biggest things going on right now that is causing me anxiety.  The move has the potential to bring us closer, and possibly address and realize those lingering feelings for each other are still alive.  Or living closer to each other when one of us moves on has the ability to crumble that friendly nature we have with each other, and have us living as true exes.  That dont like each other.  And I hate that thought.  Though to be fair, if we stayed put in MI, and he was in Virginia either of those outcomes are still a very real possibility.

It may seem like moving isnt the right choice.  But along with it being good for Miss A and her dad, it also has the potential to be really great for me career wise.  We are planning and strategizing at work for the next year and making changes to how we will be handling the client I am currently working on.  We need someone in NoVA and near Delaware (well closer than Michigan), and me moving seems to fit the bill.  My boss did say a couple weeks ago, that he would be thrilled if I moved there.  Just waiting for the plans to be put in place, and really hoping that it somehow doesnt end up changing on me.

Trying to remain focused on taking care of myself and my daughter right now, and not constantly thinking about and worrying about what will happen in the future.  Whatever will happen wont be picture perfect I am sure.  And if I only have control over a small part of it, then I need to do what I can to accept that.  My emotions tend to run away with me, and I am really working my hardest to reign them in, and trying to remember to just breathe.

October 17, 2013 at 6:44 am Leave a comment

Moving, maybe ?

So, even though things are still so damn up in the air right now, I have decided to add a few other things to that juggling act.  The biggest thing is that Im seriously considering packing up and moving down to Virginia when D gets stationed back in the States.  This is something that we discussed extensively while we were in the process of getting our divorce, and something that we both take very seriously.  When he left for Japan we had no idea at all what his next set or orders would be, and if that meant he was coming back to the US, or if he would be staying out in the Asian Pacific longer than planned (oh gods we hoped not).  Thankfully he has a set of orders in hand right now, and it looks like late November will be the realistic timeline for him to move back.

The last time we discussed the little one and I relocating was over a year ago, and we kind of left things in a grey area.  I was trying my hardest to move on from our failed relationship and was actually hoping that by now I’d have some reason to stay here.  Not that I actually want to live in Michigan forever, because lets be honest we know I dont.  But that maybe I’d have a person making staying here worth it.  But alas, I also failed at dating (which freaking sucks btw) because I wasnt really over my divorce, and now I find myself in the position that relocating sounds like a it could be a reality.

Of course, there are pros and cons to everything.  Of course the biggest glaring con is that D and I have this weird relationship where we are half best friends, half trying to move past all our past drama.  At this point, we are not getting back together and who knows if that is even an option down the road.  So we would both be living in a new city and not knowing anyone else but each other.  That may make things weird.

Another con is that financially it would be a bit tight, but could be done. I would have to cut back a lot in order to make things feasible.  I hate apartment living, but it may be the way to go if we move to the Fredericksburg area.

I know that I definitely want to move to Virginia Beach though, once he is stationed down there in mid-2015.  I actually like that area a lot.  Though, I met D when he was living there and we spent a lot of time out and about when we were dating there.  Again, that would be weird.  But maybe no more weird than when I first moved back home to MI and started going to all those places we used to go together.  I think Virginia Beach is much easier financially for me.

Anyways, this is all still just a discussion and things are up in the air, but it is something that is weighing heavily on my mind right now. Here’s hoping that we can make things work somehow.

July 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm Leave a comment

Where do we go?

Well, the visit from D has come and gone. With it, there have surfaced a lot of feelings and emotions.

The little one is sad that her daddy is gone again, but at this point I think she is so used to it that she copes well.  I do know whether to be sad or proud.   She is pretty adjusted to life with him gone.  Sure there were a few tears shed in the car on the way back from the airport, but once we got home, she snapped out of it, and said she knew he would be back soon so we shouldnt be too sad.  Oh I love her.

I, personally, am not really sure how to process all of my thoughts and feelings that are left after his trip.  Our relationship has changed now, and its in such a grey area that Im not sure what it is.  All that I know for sure is that him and I have come a very long way in the past few months.  We are divorced, yes.  But there are a lot of unresolved feelings on both sides.  Our relationship has never been easy, but the time and distance from him being sent to Japan made divorce seem like our only option. Now that we have been separated for so long I think that we both have stepped back a bit to reevaluate ourselves and our feelings.  With that said, there is still a lot of hurt on both sides as well. And whether or not that is something we could ever over come is something fresh in our minds.  I guess its simpler for me than him; I know I care, and I am willing to see if things could be different.  Him?  He’s still in Japan for 4 more months and said he’s not sure he’s willing to go down that road now, if at all.  Which I totally understand.  But at the same time, when he was here we actually got the chance to just hang out as a family, and to enjoy each other a bit.  His last visit at Christmas, we barely talked to each other.  This time we are sleeping in the same bed and going to the movies. Definitely quite the change.  So, that leaves me confused. And kind of unsure how to act towards him.  We arent together, he made that clear.  But then we still spent a couple more nights together after that conversation.  We are free to do whatever we want still I guess.  But now, I guess I feel dating or seeing anyone else really isnt an option.  I dont know that I can go back to just sending him pictures of the kiddo and saying Hi, how are you? every few days.  But I guess I will have to figure that all out.

With that said, I start another chapter in this crazy life of mine.

July 22, 2013 at 6:22 am Leave a comment

Summer Life Is Here

Looks like we are going to have a super busy summer ahead of us.  It started with a friend getting married last weekend and will continue with something going on pretty much every week until Labor Day.  We have a camping trip planned in two weeks.  Yay!  I am excited, even though its not “real” camping, and we will be with a group of people, the campsite has water and electricity, and the place has a pool, store, etc.   Oh well.  We will be in a tent on a mini vacation for a few days.

D’s leave was changed due to an unexpected underway.  He was supposed to be here next week for most of the rest of June, but that wont happen.  As of right now we are targeting early July. Oh please Navy Gods, let this happen!  My girl is missing her daddy so bad.  All she does is talk about him. Draw pictures of him. Ask if he will be able to go places with us, and join us for all the things we have planned this summer.  It breaks my heart, but Im also happy that she still has him front and center in her life, even though he has been gone for so much of it.  Also, really hoping that his orders come through as he has been told.  Which will give us a nice chunk of him actually living in the States.  Keeping my fingers tightly crossed for that one.

And Im trying to run one 5k each month from now until November.  And in October I will be participating in the marathon here in Detroit as a member of a relay team.  4.5 miles… yeah going to need to work on that…. But I have plenty of time to get going on it.

June 6, 2013 at 7:47 am Leave a comment

I’ve started a couple of blog posts recently, but then I realize how personal I will get and I just stop myself in my tracks.  the things that have been on the forefront of my mind lately are deep and sort of overwhelming and I feel like maybe I should get a journal for that kind of stuff.  But despite what therapists say, Im one of those people that I feel like I actually get my feelings out better through typing, rather than hand writing.

Ive been feeling so out of sorts lately.  Not like myself at all.  Not quite depressed, but more like disjointed and distant from my own feelings and myself.  As a rational person, I think this is a defense mechanism that Ive put in place to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection.  But even realizing that doesnt help me to overcome it.  I feel empty. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  Compared to a lot of people, my life isnt that bad.

So, what is my deal?  A lot of things really.  Work has become extremely stressful.  Im working about 10-12 hours a day.   Constantly dealing with some crisis or other.  Processing 500-800 emails a day.  Working my ass off and never able to catch up.  Im like hamster on that freaking wheel just running as fast as I can and getting nowhere.  Its exhausting.

My daughter has been having behavioral issues all year in school. She shows many markers for ADHD (which her father has), and she is quite defiant.  And she is overly emotional.  She misses her father and doesnt know how to deal with her feelings.  She is 5 after all. We may have gotten some good news that D may get stationed back in the US for a while at the end of this year.  Its not set in stone yet, but after this hellish time that we have had the past two years, having him 10 hours away seems like a cake walk. (Im sure it wont be, but you know…. the grass is always greener….)

Adding to that is the fact that there are still some unresolved feelings that have been lingering for almost two years now. Its tough to deal with sometimes. But Im trying my best. And doing what I can to make life great for my daughter.  The love that I have for her is truly what matters most.

May 6, 2013 at 7:33 am Leave a comment

Hmmm….

Things have been so up in the air in my life lately.  Ive been pushed and pulled into a million different directions.  Ive made decisions and immediately changed my mind.  Ive been trying to stay afloat.  As someone that is rather OCD, and anxiety ridden living this way can take its toll on you.  Its really been a test of my patience to see how long I can manage to go with the flow of things.  And you know what?  Ive been doing a pretty damn good job.

Then something happens that just stops you in your tracks.  Something like your ex husband telling you that he misses you, and hopes you will be willing to bring your child to visit him in Japan this summer….  Yeah.  That was a freaking doozy.

So truth be told I still care about my ex.  Always have.  Always will.  But damn, we sure made a mess of things our first go around with our relationship.  And in order to deal with our split I took all those feelings and put them in a box where they have stayed for a good year and a half now.  Hearing that from him has definitely upped my anxiety.

That doesnt mean we will get back together or anything.  But… it sure has made both of stop and think.  What if the biggest issue with our relationship was that we both were just too young and immature when we met each other?   I have no idea if thats really the case, but it sure does make me wonder what my future holds.  And how long I am going to still be on this rollercoaster.

April 3, 2013 at 7:39 am Leave a comment

An Aside

Sometime last year, I decided to quit blogging.  I think I felt like since I didnt have many nice things to say, I shouldnt say them at all.  I mean, who wants to read the words of someone that just complains all the time.  I know that I really dont.  But at the same time, Im not really writing for anyone else.  I should be writing for me.  I was going through a really rough time last year with the divorce and everything, and another outlet would have been beneficial.  I still feel like I havent quite bounced back yet, so that is why Im back.  I need somewhere to write things out and get them off my chest.  I need to be able to say, man this has been a shitty week, but things will get better.

Things really are better than they were a year ago.  Im settled into a house, have a backyard and will be starting a garden once everything thaws out soon.  Ive been running and Im almost back down to my “fighting weight”.  My friends have been there for me through everything, and Im cherishing that.

Still though, through the crumbling of my marriage and the split that ensued, it has been a pretty lonely couple of years.  Im ready to put myself back out there, but damn, dating really sucks.  Im really not cut out for it.  I dont handle rejection well and I hate the anxiety that it brings.  A couple months ago, I ran into someone I went to high school with and we were dating for a little while.  I really liked him, but things didnt work out.  This was the first time Ive actually dated someone since my divorce was final, and its just hard to deal with the pain of someone not really liking you that much.  It happens, I get that, but what I didnt really expect was the flood of emotions that followed.  The disappointment of it, and all my past failed relationships, hit me like a sack of bricks.  Wowza, I really wasnt expecting that.  Im dealing and moving on.  Its okay that someone doesnt like me.  Not everyone will.  I need to learn to let go of those ideas of what could possibly happen down the road with someone, and the plans that we could make and live more in the now.  That let down, of thinking you  may have someone to do all these things with and then not having it work out, is the toughest.   That was the hardest thing to get over about my marriage as well.

Truth be told, Im doing alright.  My daughter is happy and healthy.  My ex and I have a pretty good working relationship, and we get along fairly well.  I have people in my life that are there for me. And I have a job, car and roof over my head.  Seeing the good isnt always easy.  But Im working on that every day.

March 11, 2013 at 6:41 am 1 comment

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